Status of Selfishness

Pho-tog. Is that when people refer to a photo blog entry or is it what people call any jerkoff snapping photos? Ah, the art of word definition, that is the subject of this entry.

Mr. Morgan bopped up to me about a week ago proclaiming nothing short of absolute glee that his heart and very soul were on the verge of imminent destruction if he did not purchase a laptop. I said "ok." It was simple, straight forward and in no way a shrouded protest. I said ok, and meant it just as basic as intended. In some inward conversation I wasn't invited to, Mr. Morgan created a scene where "ok" meant "You are greedy, it's a rotten attribute and I'm ashamed to know you!"

I had no idea this mental battle had happened until he approached me later as though someone told him a secret and a light bulb flashed as he said "heeeey, that's fucked up! Why is she mad that I want a laptop!" Truly, I was left out of that war and felt more than blindsided by his brain advisers (fired!) because I really give less than a single fuck about his toys.

What transpired next is when I began to care.

The facts:

1. He plotted a 500 dollar purchase without any need to explain why or what or when. It wasn't like he was asking me for the go ahead anyhow, it was a statement not a "hey baby do you mind.....?"

2. I replied that since it was from tax return money, I'd like to make my own purchase.

3. Meltdown. Not mine. Yet.

He proclaimed that I crap on everything he wants to do or get, and that by mentioning my own purchase consideration I was selfish. Selfish. /beat. In what form of the word? So I thought about it.

What had I asked for? Tattoo. Not a new one. An... oil change, a tune up, if you will, for the one on my wrist that is faded and lately the old male patients at work have been comparing mine to their glory day tattoos from Vietnam. Hint much that it's time for a revamp? Big black blobbish tats that you have to ask what it used to be sort of thing.

The kicker was last week a patient saw it peeking from my sleeve and said "oh my, you have a wart" and reached forward to touch my wrist. I wasn't sure what was weirder about it, that my tattoo - the size of a silver dollar - was confused for a wart, or the fact that she went on a lean in to touch it.

So when Mr. Morgan tells me he wants to drop half a thousand dollars for a toy, which in fairness is (and WAS THEN TOO!!! OK OK OK~!!) something he needs and won't use my super-puter anymore, me asking for a hundred dollars to protect my vanity isn't a terrible hassle.

So after being told it was a selfish thing to want came the ..... are you serious? Because, um...... wow, tell me you are not serious. That is one hundred percent me questioning that I just heard something retarded.

Oh my god, you ARE serious and I'm embarrassed for you.

Don't be a non-nonsensical pain in the ass if you aren't prepared for my face to turn into nothing more than sucked in lips and giant eyes. If I look at you like you are crazy, then you've done something loopy, I'm not tricky to read.

Honestly, if he hadn't thrown such a poor brat attitude I might not have pursued getting the tats redone. My wrist has looked tardy for a long time, I'm obviously resigned to it. Telling me no, and captioning it as Selfish all but concluded it was going to happen. I don't ask for all that much, for Mr. Morgan to twist the situation in his head, it should have just stayed in there where everyone seemed to know what was going on and not flop onto my innocent lap. I almost offered him a tampax, but didn't want to fuel the fire.

I went and got it done. Before (and it's a tad blurry but pretty accurate, it's THAT old and faded):

To ahhhhhhhh........

As an extra selfish bitch maneuver, we touched up the back of my neck because why not. Terrible photo, it's a crisp and nicely lined piece and the only tat I have that I would do again. When midway in the wrist fix she asked me "did you consider having it lasered off?" I replied.... "should I?" Awkward. She only meant that I'd asserted it bothered me, and it does, did? Would I ever put a tattoo on my wrist again? Fuck no. Since it already lives here, do what we can. While I waited for my artist to set up her station a younster came in, he was 16 with his dad wanting a full forearm piece. He was turned away. They told him nothing above the neckline or below the elbow before 18 because of jobs etc. He was pissy, and I kinda understood but I also know full well that it's not bad advice. Look at me and the bullshit I endured for such a tiny nothing of a flower. I was glad they said no.

I suppose that I don't like being told no and more being labeled with an untrue quality. Not to say I lack being selfish, my god I cling to what I think is mine faster than a two year old, but in this instance it was odd to attach that to him getting a treat for himself. I still baffle a bit at how I can be selfish about something that has nothing to do with me. Generally speaking I am a good bean, I do things for people that I don't need to and almost never ask for anything in return. So when I do ask for something and that goes for anyone I know, and told no..... doesn't fly well. At least give me a good reason or I'll remind myself to also say no next time you need something that might be out of my way to do.

Mr. Morgan falls into routine like we all do, and it doesn't occur to him that I am not just Mrs. Morgan. Nay nay sir, I am the same independent person as I've ever been. Because I'm nice and ask before I do things, it's a formality for his sake, chances are I was going to do it anyhow. Would he really want me any other way? I know I wouldn't. Lucy Ricardo I am not. The antics and train wreck of a person... lol most certainly. I never apologize for being a mess but I do not want anyone to yes or no control my life. I frankly blank blink at the idea.

To close, here is an update on the bridge work. More more more to do on it, but it's ok for now. It's getting very busy over there, but it's a good reflection of how my brain rolls on any given day. I envy people who wake up without a complete itinerary in their mind.

-DM