If I were a rich girl

I am a turtle without it's shell. I feel naked.

No matter how fantastic I look - and I can pull off fantastic with some effort - I go on these interviews only to feel that much more out of my element. Where am I, and why the fuck don't I flee?

I'm sure those who orchestrated my lack of shell find it entertaining, but let me just say I never deserved to be stripped of my shell and thrown to the wolves. Whatever motivates a shell taker, all I can do is squint and be embarrassed that I didn't see my shell for sale around... let's say August 1st. I know why I am unemployed, and it's not about ME, no matter the bullshit being said, it's not true. No one is employed for almost 7 years then suddenly sucks ass at their job, just to have the best friend of a co-worker I took to be my friend replace me. Gosh, what a coincidence. I am a good turtle and it's underhandedly selfish, wasn't even given a chance ... but alas it's moot. Be happy shell theif, you got what you wanted and I'm suffering for no fucking reason. I'm not fucking stupid, I know what happened, but thanks for thinking so and playing chess proper. But... did I really deserve that? I know when birdies speak in ears..... and I hope it's a fruitful Christmas. In case shell taker was curious, I saw a coat at Walmart (stampede city) that I wanted so badly because I get cold easy and it was Soooooo purdy. I couldn't afford it. I hope that sits on a conscience.

My shell-less-ness has led me into a good deal of hopeful ... are they really opportunities? My last interview was with a welfare office and I wasn't sure if I should fill out their paperwork for assistance, or wait for the interview. Everyone coming in or out was hacking a lung and I got very .... iffy. Even those who were picking their meth scabs as they waited were coughing and bouncing a toddler with snot running down it's face. Contamination central, I was in ground zero and wanted out faster than GW is ready to hit a button. Each interview I go on is different and somehow surprising.

This one has two people on a conference call for a round table way of asking me things I wasn't prepared for. "What's the square root of 590685609876?"

Easy. 6? I mean come on! What the hell kind of questions are these? Thank god I brought water with me as my throat was slamming shut with the odd examination.

"What do you think a Missing Data Clerk job entails?"
"Getting the missing data?" /while I wonder if I passed or failed the question.
"Why should we hire you?"

I had to pause an calculate a lie. Luckilly I'd already been blushing so it hid the typical give-away of my attempting a falsehood. I wanted to say "Because I really need a paycheck, but I'm totally freaked out about the cubicles and how everyone here is whispering - when not coughing, and I'm entirely keen on punching the clock for a potty break."

Instead, I said "Because I'm extremely qualified, personable (and trusting obviously to a fucking FAULT!) and can bring a lot to the table. Plus I am learning spanish quite swiftly."

I heard and audible happy noise from someone's throat. Then asked how often I was out sick. Not much at all IF at all really in a couple years, I've dodged the bullet - as I sat let's remember, in infestation. I think I said so about that.

I have never felt so naked in forcing a smile that is over-written by the natural "seriously? wow!" expression that comes when I don't consciously correct it. Are these people for real? Yes, yes they are. It's hard to remember how entirely torturous trying to get a job is. I have left in tears so many times, wondering why I have to all but sell my ass. I'm a terrible salesperson, do you want it or not?

I have two bites who want me and one even had me sign a nepotism aggrement then asked if I understood it during my teleconfrence. I all but choked on my water, and said that not only could I spell it, but I could easilly define it. I'm to hear back later this week. For viewing pleasure, from my favorite movie of ALL time!

-DM