A must read follow up....

We all DO remember the Starkist Tuna fit I've been having no? Found a bone, returned bone. Wrote one of my letters that is funny, but at the same time serious. No response so wrote another letter letting them know I had a case of postage just waitin' to be used. I would not be forgetting that bone.

Alas.... on the eve of an extremely entertaining afternoon (more on that later) came my response. I have been whip cracking the Mister to check the mail daily for months, waiting for their reply about trying to kill me and why as a stranger, I deserved such malice.

It arrived in a pile of people demanding money but it glistened from the pack and I immediately grappled it and took off much like a prisoner with contraband, back bent forward in Igor fashion. Then, as usual DM way I circled it for an hour, wondering what was in it.... picking out the perfect song in which to open the letter. I chose something angry and overly serious just in case I needed help being unsatisfied. The Starkist, had.. come.

What oh what did they want to tell me?

They wanted to be all proper and pay me off. Ding. Here is what the letter says:

Dear Ms. DM.

Thank you for you letter about Starkist Chunk Light Tuna in Water. We're glad you took the time to contact us and appreciate the opportunity to respond.

First, please allow me to apologize (like she personally fed me a bone) for the apparent lack of response to your August 15 letter. I have checked our records and we have not ever received the August 15 letter. (maybe has a good secretary with under the rug skills, I am familiar with them, I'm in the business, it's a necessary thing at times and no boss doesn't always know).

We can understand your concern at finding a bone in Starkist Canned Tuna (really?) and appreciate your bringing this to our attention. (I feel overly appreciated!) While bones are an inherent part of fish, we take great care to remove all the bones. Each fish is individually handled (the love!) and inspected at several points during processing. Quality Control Inspectors continuously monitor the entire process to ensure that the finished product will meet our high standards, as well as those of our customers. As a result, and experience such as yours is not common. (gummy bear de ja vu or what?)

The information you provided will be helpful in our efforts to continuously improve our products and we assure you your report will be brought to the attention of our Quality Assurance Management.

Thanks again for contacting us. Our reputation is built on quality and consumer satisfaction and we apologize for not living up to your expectations in this instance. In an effort (to shut up) restore confidence in our products please accept this refund check.

Signed,

TunaChick... won't name her but it wasn't a stamped signature.

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Several thoughts. Money! Woo! Ten bucks. Second thought, passive aggressive much to say bummer we didn't live to your expectations. Trust me, my expectations are not high, just no tuna bone.Third thought, jesus... that's one fuck of a letter. When you send me a check, a lengthy run on sentence of sorry is no longer necessary. Just don't ignore or fuck me off, simply acknowledge me and I probably go away. I am extremely entertained at the level of ass kissing from that letter.

Moral, don't extort and claim finger in your chili, but if a bone is actually found in your tuna, they might need to know. Vindicated, can rest.

- DM