Toot your horn

In passing, I asked Mr. Morgan what was the first instrument I ever played. He looked at me rather oddly and asked if it mattered since all kids played something at some point. No, not anymore, so let me sound old and fucking tell a story. I wa sonly able to tell half of what I'm about to before he fled.

His answer to my question was a sincere exclamation of Violin! /beat. Really? Anyone heard me play that fucking thing? It's less than grade six, no matter my attempts. I asked if he wanted to know and he said yes because I suspect he knew I was fitting to tell it either way.

I played french horn. Not a very shy instrument and mine came in a clumsy large case weighing more than myself and had no handle. It had a string to tote it. I did not have to walk far and that fucking thing served as weaponry when I was attacked by dogs one afternoon on my way home. They came at me hoping to eat my horn or my legs, I didn't ask them and I was found swirling in circles swinging this contraption of a giant box of french horn and screaming my ass off. A do gooder pulled over and yelled at the dogs. "You get on home now!" and they scattered. THAT was all it took? Fuck. I scrambled home, in tears and never touched a french horn again.

I took up trumpet. Better weapon! And I was damn good at it. It also sat me next to a nerdy slice of delicious that in later years I'd realize was very not into ladies. He was a french horn player himself, very distant, and very interested in his spit trap. I can understand that in brass instruments.

My third year of trumpet I was given the lead role to belt out Wind Beneath My Wings. Lead trumpet??? Holy fucking shit ass of a gimme! Condition - I had to hit a high G. For the unknowing..... you have to stretch your face backwards three miles for your lips to perform that particular move. Ever seen Louis Armstrong? There ya go, he look unstressed? I had that note down flat, much to the annoyance of my family.

Concert night. Little pain in the ass flute and clarinet section acting rich and whatever obnoxious people do, chatting about how great they are and how shitty my clothes were, I don't exactly recall when middle school and high school changed, short of dates, but I went from shit to oooo HI!!!!! seemingly overnight but I never forgot being deemed as a pile. Did I get pretty or something? Piss.

So, the song started and the conductor was waving a shitty wand fiendishly, my note - feel free to listen to the song, it's not hidden, came and I faltered my fucking ass off. I didn't hit the one note I had practiced for months. And I was very, very picked on it afterward, that had I not given my trumpet back I might have hurt someone with it. It was extremely embarrassing in front of so many parents and whatevers. I do not know why but that lingers with me. In a shruggish way, but more so because I KNEW that note and just didn't pull it off. I also remember each girl who made me feel like slime and hope they are fat divorced and bankrupt. Bad Dm, but all the same. Hope that answers Misters' misconception.

- DM