The Return of the Jeff
There is a new Jeff in my life. If you recall, the Jeff is the person placed on earth just to annoy YOU and give you incentive to do a stint in state prison.
We all know Bosslady is my supreme Jeff, and my neighbor – actually named Jeff, has been my secondary Jeff for some time now. Since they seemingly weren’t enough to give me fantasies on a Ted Bundy level, god thought he’d give me another Jeff. Remember that movie City of Angels, where they all stand around waiting to get ya, well it’s become The City of Jeffs all up in my life.
My newest Jeff likes to, as Jeff’s always do, make it known that Jeff is always right. Jeff does not like how I eat (HUGE strike), does not like how I take care of my fish, and I can presume, does not like me. One would think that would make Jeff stay away from me. Not so. Jeff is drawn to me just to point out all of the things I do wrong on a daily basis, why they are wrong and how stupid I am in general.
Jeff has recently even began to complain about my doctors. I have tried to tell Jeff that what I have isn’t reversible and being an adult sometimes means that I have to be at work and cannot live in the lobby of my physicians. Dear readers I have… a cardiologist, general doc., Gyno, hand surgeon, endocrinologist, eye doctor, eye specialist….. so I am not lacking on any piece of me being looked at. I am waiting to receive a checkbook preprinted with all their names, that is how much I sit in one of those stuffy fucking offices. So I don’t really need your EXPERT advice Jeff!
Jeff just likes to argue, even if Jeff makes Jeff sounds fucking retarded to me. I choked today on a wonton (not my first fuck up of the day, my sweater went into the toilet earlier this morning as I paused and starting screaming “maaaaaaan.......in the fucking toilet??”) and I ran for water, the closest being tap water. It tasted like shit and I said so. Jeff insisted the water tasted fine. Um, ok. Yes Jeff, I am making up a lie about the water because I had nothing better to do. The shit was most definitely not fine, but Jeff insisted on trying to make me look stupid, because again…. Jeff thinks I am. Apparently I am not even smart enough to judge water according to Jeff.
On a recent fax machine run I didn't feel like looking for one number in the 250 stored numbers the machines has and Jeff proclaimed "It's really not that hard" Neither is taking a baseball bat to your car Jeff, but it doesn't mean I am going to do it.
Jeff……needs……to shut the…. fuck….. up. Get a hobby Jeff. Knit, scrapbook, I don't fucking care just nose the fuck out of what I do since it bothers you so much. Wanna know what I do when I don't like someone? Avoid them. I stay away because shit like what Jeff says to me comes out of mouths when brought to a disliked person. THATS REALLY NOT THAT HARD JEFF!
While I am not the most put together person, I’ve not been found in the middle of a street sucking my thumb, so I think I can pretty much make decisions without going to Jeff and presenting a “where am I?” look. Mind yo’ bidness Jeff, not doing so is the sort of thing that makes for accidental hair cuts from behind.
-DM
ps - I am feeling particularly chatty lately, so I may be posting a lot.
We all know Bosslady is my supreme Jeff, and my neighbor – actually named Jeff, has been my secondary Jeff for some time now. Since they seemingly weren’t enough to give me fantasies on a Ted Bundy level, god thought he’d give me another Jeff. Remember that movie City of Angels, where they all stand around waiting to get ya, well it’s become The City of Jeffs all up in my life.
My newest Jeff likes to, as Jeff’s always do, make it known that Jeff is always right. Jeff does not like how I eat (HUGE strike), does not like how I take care of my fish, and I can presume, does not like me. One would think that would make Jeff stay away from me. Not so. Jeff is drawn to me just to point out all of the things I do wrong on a daily basis, why they are wrong and how stupid I am in general.
Jeff has recently even began to complain about my doctors. I have tried to tell Jeff that what I have isn’t reversible and being an adult sometimes means that I have to be at work and cannot live in the lobby of my physicians. Dear readers I have… a cardiologist, general doc., Gyno, hand surgeon, endocrinologist, eye doctor, eye specialist….. so I am not lacking on any piece of me being looked at. I am waiting to receive a checkbook preprinted with all their names, that is how much I sit in one of those stuffy fucking offices. So I don’t really need your EXPERT advice Jeff!
Jeff just likes to argue, even if Jeff makes Jeff sounds fucking retarded to me. I choked today on a wonton (not my first fuck up of the day, my sweater went into the toilet earlier this morning as I paused and starting screaming “maaaaaaan.......in the fucking toilet??”) and I ran for water, the closest being tap water. It tasted like shit and I said so. Jeff insisted the water tasted fine. Um, ok. Yes Jeff, I am making up a lie about the water because I had nothing better to do. The shit was most definitely not fine, but Jeff insisted on trying to make me look stupid, because again…. Jeff thinks I am. Apparently I am not even smart enough to judge water according to Jeff.
On a recent fax machine run I didn't feel like looking for one number in the 250 stored numbers the machines has and Jeff proclaimed "It's really not that hard" Neither is taking a baseball bat to your car Jeff, but it doesn't mean I am going to do it.
Jeff……needs……to shut the…. fuck….. up. Get a hobby Jeff. Knit, scrapbook, I don't fucking care just nose the fuck out of what I do since it bothers you so much. Wanna know what I do when I don't like someone? Avoid them. I stay away because shit like what Jeff says to me comes out of mouths when brought to a disliked person. THATS REALLY NOT THAT HARD JEFF!
While I am not the most put together person, I’ve not been found in the middle of a street sucking my thumb, so I think I can pretty much make decisions without going to Jeff and presenting a “where am I?” look. Mind yo’ bidness Jeff, not doing so is the sort of thing that makes for accidental hair cuts from behind.
-DM
ps - I am feeling particularly chatty lately, so I may be posting a lot.
posted by DMorgan's Zoo at
2:31 PM
4 Comments:
Might I suggest a nice curse? It happens to be my favorite way of dealing with Jeffs. I'm thinking a lovely persistant scrotum itch curse.
I think Jeff's a girl..perhaps a yeast infection?
ahhh. Substitute "scrotum" for "feminine". Then just watch Jeff squirm.
A Jeff us a Jeff. Being a Jeff makes them completely unhuman, thus sex no longer comes into play and they are simply "asshole"
Jeff was corrected today and Jeff did not like it, but Jeff needs to get over Jeff's inability to see facts as the rest of the world does.
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