The ants go marching one by one hurrah.....(sing along)
Ants? I don’t see you….. uh……
You’re DEAD!
How could you die on me? I had plans for us! Look at the plush little loft I even have! You would have been stars under the spotlight, not many ants are afforded such luxury.
For a moment I thought of dripping warm water on them, thinking maybe they were freeze-dried but snapped out of my imaginative mindset and realized that it was a completely retarded idea. I have managed to kill my ants before I even received them. My talent knows no boundary.
The slip inside says return the envelope (clearly specifying NOT the ants, they don’t want dead fuckers back) if they show up crippled/limping/dead or otherwise unacceptable. I had already black marked out the address for the photo shoot before I opened the crypt, so I am not sure if they’ll replace them or not. Frankly I’m not sure I want more. It’s not going to be anything but ass cold here for quite some time, and while they are only 3 bucks, the feeling of repeatedly sending these troopers knowingly to their death seems kinda fucking sadistic.
I still wrote a letter. Below.
--
Dear Life Studies,
I recently ordered 24 of your Harvester Ants. I had my tank prepared, and was happilly clutching my magnifying glass. They arrived today and were not in the mood to harvest. They in fact were not in the mood to do anything but lay dead in their tidy vile of disappointment.
It has been rather cold here, and between you and I … I have suspicions on the mailman. I suspect he did not feel particularly hasty in delivering them, and perhaps even didn’t want me to get my ants. Postal workers can be very vindictive you know.
I have enclosed the envelope, as instructed, but I had already marked out my address to post photos on my educational website. I am more than happy to pay again for newer, stronger ants, the strongest of your crop if the envelope is not sufficient.
Thank you,
-DM
posted by DMorgan's Zoo at
5:42 PM
10 Comments:
I love your letters. FYI, it's vial of disappointment, although the meaning change works so well that I'm not sure whether you intended the different spelling or not. Since you're occasionally bringing back some old posts I vote for the one that included the letter to the lotion manufacturers. Now that's a classic!
LMAO, that was a finger twitch...don't worry, Boss Lady does NOT have your blog address.
Ha Ha...the Venus fly trap is not dead yet but it hasn't grown so we shall see.
I can re-post that. Perhaps tonight as I am not offering much today in preparation of our office slumber party tomorrow. I have the VIAL on my desk if you want to see them.
DM, don't bother wasting any more money on ants. I have an overabundance at my house (though you'll probably have to wait until Spring). I would gladly part with them, and I'll even trap the little assholes and have them delivered to you.
Slumber Party!!!! Do tell.
We'll see about the ants. I really has my heart set on the imported Utah ants. Your ants Miss Nev may be too humble for my habitat, I think I need snotty, presumptuous ants.
And I can't tell about the slumber party yet. Tomorrow for that, although it probably sounds more over-rated than it will be. Never know.
Imported from Utah? You're getting Mormon Ants? At least your alcohol will be safe, but you'll probably have a whole buch of babies and they will all grow to regard you with disdain.
No no, Mormons love Sav. I swear!!
Oh btw Sav, I told my brother about your poor, poor little ants.
He said..."they bought the farm, eh?"
Have fun at your slumber party!!
PS I think I can sing again!
Well written article.
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