Grass isn't always greener.....
(Please click on comments, I was chicken and took this post down, thinking it may have come across as completely not what I meant. Text is difficult to interpret when a person is explaining themselves, I wasn't sure I portrayed what I felt and asked BLD to review it for me. In my frantic stage of "god, people are not going to get me" I took the post away before she could comment, and asked I comment her email for her, so give it a read).
I thought I might dedicate this entry to an issue that has been brought up far too often around me lately, if not forever, but more so lately. I don’t know if it’s the current stress of the nations’ ability to make people scared and turn that stress another direction or what, but there seems to be a constant buzz of those who I know mentioning their weight, and not in a good way.
Let’s first drop any preconceived notions that I don’t care about my weight. By definition, it’s entirely likely to a lot of people that I have an eating disorder. Not in the classic sense, as I don’t starve myself, nor do I vomit out of guilt. Some people eat from being nervous, stressed or otherwise annoyed, I don’t. Complete opposite. I stop eating. Not to win a bet, it’s not calculated at all. No news flash that I am an extremely nervous person, functional yes, but the daily reel of shit that rolls through my head is far more busy than it needs to be ad often overrules any impulse to get a burger . To me, not being hungry doesn’t even cross my mind until I see that my hands are shaking and open the mailbox to a letter from my thyroid asking if I am intentionally making it’s job more difficult.
It’s too easy for me not to eat, I don’t enjoy food and since unemployed have delved into the Food Network, watching blankly people who truly enjoy a meal. I stare at it as though it’s in a language I don’t understand. How wonderful that these people are getting such joy from something I view as a simple necessity for survival. Where did I miss this gene? And why do I feel glad not to have it? Could it be that I am so riddled with eccentricities that there is no room to settle down and stop for one moment to NOT have that inner dialogue examining things? It often makes me feel set apart from the herd, by no fault of my own, and while some wonder why they eat too many - I wonder why I can't. If you sup with me and I’m looking at you funny, that’s why. I am trying to understand what’s so fucking great that an entire event is wrapped around eating. Couldn’t we eat a cracker at home and just go to the carnival? My close friends have seen my discomfort of supping in public and the normal chit-chat about it. I’d rather crawl into a corner with my tray and eat like a rat.
A friend and I spoke today about weight and she mentioned that very few thin people honestly don’t take issue with larger ones. Really? I can understand the constant judgement, but on the flip side…. I’m constantly asked IF I eat. At least my plumper pals are not grilled with that sort of bullshit all the time. No, I do not eat, I am immortal…. what the fuck people? I don't care about weight, if anything what makes me stare is portions, as I eat as though it was a food tasting and not a meal so don't understand where it all goes, how does it fit? I'd burst faster than microwave popping corn, so I find it interesting. I suppose my point is that both sides of the spectrum have their shitty crosses to bear. All of you who think you are too big or need to conform to the social image… stop it. My bony ass needs a nicely padded seat to cuddle on. My tit for your tat and I’m ALL about that tat. I’ve been known to fling myself into some of the best laps on this planet to the point that if one single pound was shed, I’d be out shopping for candies.
I know people who’ve had lipo, laser, crash diets and all of these things that are so moot in the grand race. I won’t even try to bullshit and say I wasn’t born vain as it gets, and prop on to anyone who wants to feel better about self, but damn girls… some of you kill me with not working that shit like you own it. Do what makes you feel good, but never for one second think that you are not fucking stunning. Being thin as I am, trust me, it’s less appealing, there are days that I look like the god damned crypt keeper. Love you, be healthy and happy.
Repeat…
-DM
I thought I might dedicate this entry to an issue that has been brought up far too often around me lately, if not forever, but more so lately. I don’t know if it’s the current stress of the nations’ ability to make people scared and turn that stress another direction or what, but there seems to be a constant buzz of those who I know mentioning their weight, and not in a good way.
Let’s first drop any preconceived notions that I don’t care about my weight. By definition, it’s entirely likely to a lot of people that I have an eating disorder. Not in the classic sense, as I don’t starve myself, nor do I vomit out of guilt. Some people eat from being nervous, stressed or otherwise annoyed, I don’t. Complete opposite. I stop eating. Not to win a bet, it’s not calculated at all. No news flash that I am an extremely nervous person, functional yes, but the daily reel of shit that rolls through my head is far more busy than it needs to be ad often overrules any impulse to get a burger . To me, not being hungry doesn’t even cross my mind until I see that my hands are shaking and open the mailbox to a letter from my thyroid asking if I am intentionally making it’s job more difficult.
It’s too easy for me not to eat, I don’t enjoy food and since unemployed have delved into the Food Network, watching blankly people who truly enjoy a meal. I stare at it as though it’s in a language I don’t understand. How wonderful that these people are getting such joy from something I view as a simple necessity for survival. Where did I miss this gene? And why do I feel glad not to have it? Could it be that I am so riddled with eccentricities that there is no room to settle down and stop for one moment to NOT have that inner dialogue examining things? It often makes me feel set apart from the herd, by no fault of my own, and while some wonder why they eat too many - I wonder why I can't. If you sup with me and I’m looking at you funny, that’s why. I am trying to understand what’s so fucking great that an entire event is wrapped around eating. Couldn’t we eat a cracker at home and just go to the carnival? My close friends have seen my discomfort of supping in public and the normal chit-chat about it. I’d rather crawl into a corner with my tray and eat like a rat.
A friend and I spoke today about weight and she mentioned that very few thin people honestly don’t take issue with larger ones. Really? I can understand the constant judgement, but on the flip side…. I’m constantly asked IF I eat. At least my plumper pals are not grilled with that sort of bullshit all the time. No, I do not eat, I am immortal…. what the fuck people? I don't care about weight, if anything what makes me stare is portions, as I eat as though it was a food tasting and not a meal so don't understand where it all goes, how does it fit? I'd burst faster than microwave popping corn, so I find it interesting. I suppose my point is that both sides of the spectrum have their shitty crosses to bear. All of you who think you are too big or need to conform to the social image… stop it. My bony ass needs a nicely padded seat to cuddle on. My tit for your tat and I’m ALL about that tat. I’ve been known to fling myself into some of the best laps on this planet to the point that if one single pound was shed, I’d be out shopping for candies.
I know people who’ve had lipo, laser, crash diets and all of these things that are so moot in the grand race. I won’t even try to bullshit and say I wasn’t born vain as it gets, and prop on to anyone who wants to feel better about self, but damn girls… some of you kill me with not working that shit like you own it. Do what makes you feel good, but never for one second think that you are not fucking stunning. Being thin as I am, trust me, it’s less appealing, there are days that I look like the god damned crypt keeper. Love you, be healthy and happy.
Repeat…
-DM
posted by DMorgan's Zoo at
9:54 PM
10 Comments:
Be happy you dont have the love affair with food that a lot of us have!
Nice video!
Lol Khad... I'm not happy with many of the issues that slide me into the corner of not being the "norm" Don't miss my point that having a bit extra is nothing to hang your head over. I'd be thrilled to have the expression of others, thin or not when they are biting into something decadent. Lol I DO have tastebuds, so what gives?
FROM BLD:
The only other person I’ve seen with that lack of interest in food is my squeeze. Everyone else I’ve met has at least a passing interest. And you do too, actually, though not in eating it, lol. I’ve laughed a hundred times over the way you prance up to see what I’m eating only to recoil when I offer you some. So your thing is rare, true, but not unheard of and I believe you. It’s terrible how often we don’t believe others when they speak of food.
I think your friend is right – thin people in general have a problem with weight. If they don’t think you’re lazy then they think they are going to catch it, and based on their own feelings about it, they think that would take all the beauty out of life. (so let me digress for just a moment and assure all the skinnies reading this that we fatties get our life and our loves and our sex everything else as much as we are willing to grab for it, just like skinnies, to varying degrees. Life truly is what you make it.) But that is a problem of lots of thin folks, but hardly your problem. As one of those you’ve frequently hugged, I can not only attest to your not having issue with weight, I will go so far as to say, you got a little thing for us large and lovelies.
I’ve wanted to be lighter for years, but not enough to put the work into it. I’ve done more weight work since I discovered my high blood pressure than ever just worrying about how I look. Despite my whining, that really says something, don’t you think? And I can’t imagine going under the knife or abusing my body with lipo. I may do hard core long term abuse with the weight, but I like myself! Theres no way I’d beat up my innards with a stick. OUCH. On the other hand, no amount of lustful gazes and sweet affection is going to make me feel like I look hot naked. I can manage hot clothed, but its just not going to happen naked.
But, I’m glad you brought it up, and I hope a discussion ensues. Despite my probs with my weight I wouldn’t want to have your disinterest just like you don’t want to have my interest…and that’s okay. Because that means we like who we are at the end of the day.
Loved the post.
xoxoxo
ps BLD - did you in a roundabout way call me a chubby chaser? /blush... you know good and well I am mezmerised by the way you saunter past, especially in the Super Bra. /double blush, fine I looked. Okay, twice.
It's not that I don't want to be interested in meals, It's that I wonder why I care less about it. I feel I'm missing out on those delightful smiles of taste and enjoyment while I twitch oddly in my chair. It's not a lack of social shortness, it's ... me? I've often said how transparent I am, and it's no lie. My expressions defy me regularly, so any doubt of my sincerity is far too easy to see. Why do some indulge when they know it's thier very annoyance, and why do I refrain when I know it's my very path to getting sick from lack of nutrients? Again both sides are quite curious to me. In a very non dismissal way, bc I do not understand.. it's easy to say, stop eating. Just knock it the fuck off. Swap coin - eat something, dude I see bones. Intrigue.
Im glad you put it back. It is a good post. You worry too much, silly!
I've got no answers to that. Pop psych will tell you we are replacing food for other things in life. That's probably valid in some circumstances, but it doesn't ring true for me...or for my family that shares a love for food without the weight issues. Maybe sometimes a kilbasa is just a kilbasa, lol (spelling?) My family sits around a fantastic meal talking about other meals, as you know. Personally, I delight in flavor AND texture AND smell. I enjoy walking by Cinnabon but never stop for one. I'm not depriving myself or "behaving". I've just learned that Cinnabons smell fantastic, but don't do much for flavor and texture. But I still walk past.
It is easy to say stop eating. It's also easy to tell people to start eating, to excersize more, go to church, get a job. But that's just because we are a bunch of nosy advise givers - holier than thou. I rankle when some fool tells me to stop eating, but I'm sure I rankle others w/my bullshit advise too.
And yes, I did call you a chubby chaser...lil bit. :-))
It really IS easy to say "drop the bagal or I'll shoot!" Coming from me it's harmless because I not only own no firearms, but I truly think it IS easy not to eat. It's completely an afflication of my own. I have a deep love affair with ciggarettes and if told to put it out my face will contort and recoil instantly as though being separated from one of my organs. Put it out? Noooo.... it loves me and I love it, get fucked and leave us to be alone together. Lol.
Most excellent post! I love this discussion and I'm sorry I'm late to reading it (bad couple of weeks for me). While I'm certainly not a skinny, I'm not overly big either. I'd like to think I'm about average or perhaps above so! I can go without eating, but I truly enjoy food. I come from a family of cooks and eaters. Meals for us have always been more about the comfort and security of the food than about how the food tastes. Maybe that's not right. Maybe the taste of the food is associated with the pleasurable mealtimes? The closeness of having family and/or friends together? I'm not sure if I'm explaining this right. To me, food IS about the taste, but also about the feelings attached to the tastes and the experiences. We always comment that food just tastes better in Tville...or at Burning Man. Food is always wonderful when camping. Or when being shared by friends/family. For me, I think it's at least as much about the experience as it is about the taste. I love food; I love to cook; I love to eat. I've gone without eating and I could do it again. I prefer not to. I guess your analogy to smoking is pretty valid. I don't smoke; I never have, and I don't understand those who do. I don't have an addictive personality and the concept of addiction is strange to me. Perhaps like your concept of food! I eat things I know I shouldn't. Smokers are well aware of the health risks associated with smoking. Sometimes it's worth the risks. I don't know why weight is such an issue. We all come in different sizes and shapes. Society has dictated what "beauty" looks like since the beginning of time. Take a look at the classic paintings. Large women were the upper class, wealthy goddesses and skinnies were the poor peasants. The larger the woman was a testament to the success of her husband and her fortune in life. I'm sure it gets annoying when people comment on you being too skinny, but I think being too skinny is more acceptable in today's society than being too fat. I don't understand why it's perfectly ok to make comments about the size of people. We really do need to just accept ourselves. That said, I did join weight watchers, but more as a way to eat healthier and not so much as a way to be thinner. Losing weight would be a bonus, but I really want to try and curtail some of my family history of ailments!
Good point on the experiences associated with eating. Since you put it that way it occurs that for many years the family hasn't done much of any other kind of sociallizing. Perhaps food means family to me in that way. I can't remember the last time the family got together to go water skiing or something.
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