Customer Serv... with ICE.

Ah alas the art of customer service, and I can assure that such is indeed an art. There is a hierarchy of customer service. If you are a teenager who chews gum at work and don't give a toss, it shows, and you make those of who by whatever circumstance do take their job seriously, and sometimes even feel that tingle of "go me!" for making someone smile. If being a sloppy fuck applies to you, try to do it elsewhere until school starts again. We know where you store your energy drink left-overs and know you will drink it with or without fuzz and leave it open all day for anyone to spit in. The stories.... are true. Or could be?

There is a myriad of levels to CS.

1. Retail.
2. Sales.
3. Sales and Retail.
4. Commissioned sales and retail.
5. Selling commissioned retail FOR someone to earn brownie points you'll never see who take the credit and cash for.
6. Phone sales or dealing with incoming calls.
7. Scheduling pick ups/delivery/cancellations or the neutering of your dog, for convenience, we aim to please.
8. CS requiring empathy, i.e. anything medical or dealing with bills people can't afford and lay their souls out in front of you begging that you trade a handful of magic beans for the upward silent chin jerk of "go on and get out of here, I'll figure it out and smooth shit down. Worry another day."
9. Or my job... all of the above.

Unfortunately, unless you are really good at it, and unless you are liked enough to talk your way into giving someone a pass..... the get lost for now thing won't work so don't try that at home Gum Chewers. If you lose money for your company consistently, you will be fired, but you won't care. However, if you are good at it, you can swing a pass for the customer because you know you will get a return and that person will rave about you. Career CS-ers like myself depend on that. You may get burned a time or two, but alas... in time it can be avoided by and large with nothing more than experience.

If I haven't weeded out the amateur-ants yet (and don't even get comfy grasshoppers... I have words for your selfish asses in a minute) learn on.

Preface - I don't have a title. Desk jockey perhaps. People have handed me papers and shit to do with papers and people since I was 16. I feel like I invented the stapler and made a very wrong turn at the point that it needs occasional refilling when no one seems to know what the fuck a staple even is and scatter like rats.

Ants:

1. The customer is never right. Not completely anyhow. They are often even assholes insisting they are right justto make you look an idiot and win their whiny case. You can't convince ALL assholes that it's not the end of the world, some assholes actually seek out Ants to prove that they can in fact behave like dicks and get away with it by making a scene to everyone in a block radius. For the most part however, most assholes are the result of you not running damage control on the potential scene. Cmon, you saw the asshole approach.... ready to pounce. You didn't diffuse. Your bad, take the asshole wrath. Next time, you'll remember asshole by name - and don't call the asshole his proper moniker, but stop the bitchfest before it can begin by addressing on a personal level inquiring how to help things roll better this time. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be full on acknowledging that person's presence as negative - I learn names faster than lightening by negative pain in the ass association encounters from the past. So it's not a bad idea to know your assholes intimately, but they don't need to know exactly why you are giving them special attention. Acknowledge... don't let anyone think you are ignoring them, especially if you are. Resign yourself early on, you will never please someone who wakes up shitty and intends to stay that way. I tried for almost seven years and it wasn't her back that broke. Don't bother thinking you can prove a point and that just because you may be a nice person, that the quality exists in everyone. It soooooo doesn't. Negative energy likes to spread and it's only goal is to take you with it.

2. If you suck, please quit. You drag down the day of already shitty mood-ed people who might be headed my way and I have to work twice as hard because they've already felt pissed on and I don't want misguided punishment because you hate your job and had an attitude.

Matter fact.... try this - it's epic and would earn you respect in my book. A real employee knows when their time has come.



4. Really know your craft. Once mastered, a great majority of the time you can speed things along and have a smooth transaction that will get that person to go away. Is that my ultimate goal on any given day, whether I'm on the clock or not? Unless you are George Clooney, yes. Sorry gang, but I'm quite self driven and I do tend to think on a "what will make my life easier" level, and it generally serves me well.

5. Last, and it's just interesting fact if you do it naturally - if you smile when you are talking, your voice changes. Now this won't work if you are already holding a hatchet and the police are coming because one last fucker pushed your final nerve. Add a question mark to the end of your sentences. Not excessively or you'll sound like "so... like, this one time at band camp?" and that's no good.

NOW.... Grasshopping Cocksuckers. Part two to come soon, until then try to remember your emergency is not my priority if you approach me like I'm personally responsible for not helping you before I even know what your fucking problem is. Give me a chance, decent likelihood it can be handled, like adults. If not.... well, Douche 101 will enlighten. Once again, address said freaking-out-for-a-silly-ass-reason person and let them both look and be pissed. You'll be right with them (ahem) and very interested in watching them mentally combust for the 30 seconds it takes to wait their turn.

- DM