Needle Beetle

Feel like getting all zen and chill with your Qi? Read on! I mentioned my new job, and it's inserted weirdness on my lifestyle. No perfume, no hairspray, no deodorant, no laundry smells etc. Basically bush people sort of living. I can dig it., but you bet your ass the first thing I find in my clutches on Friday evening is my smell goods. The more obnoxious the better. Being a smoker, or an almost former one (more on that in a minute) I smell damn near nothing that doesn't walk up and slap me in the face on a personal level. I love perfume, am fascinated with lotions and one-hundred percent in love with a scented bubble bath.

Did you know formaldehyde is in hairspray? I can't say that bothered me to learn such, preserve my hair? Awesome! But no, not so awesome to those who are taking this shit seriously. My level of being entertained by facts often doesn't illicit the fear it's supposed to at this place of employment. "Right on!" is not the proper answer to toxic products.

I've become a lot more open to the voodoo magic being offered to me, for free in lieu of formal benefits but I cannot say I am on board completely. I wouldn't be a DM if I just went into shit full charge without some sort of reasoning that filtered through my version of being rational. If anything really can anyway. What I do know, is patients leave feeling hopeful, and it is ..... humbling. Lends to me stopping myself from being an impatient asshole, it's not so bad that your only wish of the day is to not hurt or somehow feel pampered and acknowledged on a very personal level. No one in my office is ever a number or just a name on the list.

Alas I am well suited for this job. I talk tea with the patients who wait, and ask if it sucks, because I drink only green tea so have no reference to what is good. My Jasmine and Detox blend is proving popular. I haven't tasted it, trusting it's ok based on lack of coughing and gagging. People who are into tea will readily tell you anything you ask about it, or direct me to the giant laughable book that sits in front of my station all day. "The History of Tea." It's seriously two inches thick. I could sum it up in a page - plant grows, it dries, it's plucked, and if soaked in water .... boom.... heaven. Gimme my book check! Tea lovers frown at such simplicity.

So. My smoking is not rolling there no matter my attempts to hide it. I concede. Pissed as pissed, pissy and pisserific as it gets but... I had to make a choice or wait another 1.5 years to find a place who likes me. The job is fine, and going on a month now there, I am seriously good at it, much to the disdain of the other girls who back up the front desk. I'm not disliked, I suspect they are simply not used to someone who can roll in and not need hand holding, without being rude of course. It's fair to toot my horn, I worked for a very demanding boss for th last 7 years, saying I am great at what I do is fair. But I'm fine to admit when I am not so great. Then blame a dog, traffic or the unsuspecting mailman. The day of the three stooges whoop whoop at my station are over. DM has officially moved in a giraffe, we mean to stay, and we mean to streamline the silly dysfunction. Alas Bosslady, I did learn much from your hard handed demands and fuck me if I don't STILL see large paperclips and shun them instantly. I pick them aside like a nasty vegetable.

Getting to my point. I allowed one of the doctors, we have two - one scares, intimidates? me, and the other is so short, small and lovely I can't not adore her. I went to short and small, asking for help with the smoking as it's been clearly put that smelling of smoke will not ensure a job for long. Two of us there smoke. Short and Small was eager to help and needled me right up. I have five .... thingies (I'm ever so technical) in each ear bone. If I get pissy I am supposed to fuck with them. I did and I made my ears bleed. So, I am to fuck with them but not so fervently. Who knew.

Here I am with my treatment:


I diagrammed for you! They sit in there until they fall out, are picked out or eaten by coyotes. Usually about a week. I don't know exactly what each does or if they are a tribe and make it a group effort. #2 is for stress. Those are VERY sore today. #5 is for the cravings. I am to tug on them when I want to smoke. I look much like Tabitha Stevens from Bewitched when she was too little to wiggle her nose and make magic. That, or I look suspicious and weird. Third possibility is that I'm giving the pitcher cryptic instructions at a ball game.

They do itch and I forget they are there so some have been plucked out from accident. I like them in there without knowing why. No one has asked what's doing with my ear bones, but I'm anxiously hoping for it as I have an arsenal of lies just laying in wait. Bees, rabid vermin .. that sort of fun story telling.

I also like just arbitrarily stating "I'm on the needle again." It suggests such a wide variety of possibilities, which none are easily replied to. Most excellent. Except in my office because the listener just says "yeah, me too." and gives the silent nod handshake of brotherhood understanding.

Is it helping me not smoke? Well, if I think it is then yes. Has a pressure point fairy fallen from the sky and made me scowl at Camel Lights? Not recently. All I can say is that the effort is interesting, and having a ten pack of needles in my ears at all times kinda makes me giggle.

I appreciate anyone who is passionate about helping people, this was not pushed on me (pun?) but smelling of smoke is not an option and it feels nice to not worry and just do my job. I've been fixing their crooked ass shit forms at home on my time because they bother me (thanks again for making me anal, Bosslady or in her terms lol persnickity) and because I'm getting free treatments. I earn my keep and look like a hero because they've had a printer for over a year not hooked up or functional. No one knew "how."

I plugged it in.

Stop by, I'll sell you something or offer you some potentially good tea?

- DM