When Ill Tempered Adults are Burgled
Short of the arrival of Gummy Bears, galloping in pairs and putting on a crazy square dance... today has not been DM friendly.
I lose things all the time. I tend to think most of us do, but have you ever had a string of missing items that there is either an outbreak of gremlins or really desperate thieves? In the last few days things that belong to the house have not been returned. Most of the items I was ok with, being that when found it would be a nice surprise. Others items were much more dire..... like my FUCKING CAR KEYS! And yes I scream that because of how they came home to me.
They are not magical keys, sure they start a car and that is not without note... but they are somewhat important to me as I'm not much of a walker. I have two keys on my ring, and two keychains, it's very light and not one of those clunkers that make a person look overly important. One is what many people associate with the Nazi movement, but it''s not, and the other is an initial of my name from Disneyland courtesy of our darling Safferstein. Silly chains, but both mean a good deal to me. Mr. Morgan lost the key to our mailbox earlier this week, so I was certain the Key Monkeys were on the prowl. I went seriously tornado and tore the house apart pretty much to a rolling theme like this:
Seriously, house ripped the fuck apart, nothing was free from the freak out. Those bastard Key Monkeys were going to pay! All dogs hid from me. The Russian has taken to eating a portion of his ass with extreme fervor that I threatened a yorkie head cone so seriously he tip-toed the fuck out of my way much like someone who just saw their ex at a party and is trying to flee unseen. Where were the keys? Where could I have left them? I'm so consistent with how I enter a room, I was baffled! Desperate, I dove into our garbage can to make sure they weren't in the mix. Dumpster diving in 95 degree sun is a scent that just can't be appreciated until it's weaving into your nostrils at the pace of a conga line. The problem with losing something so simplistic, is that there are only a few things in my world I am consistent about, my keys are one of them. My crack pipe and other items may go wayward, but not my keys or my identification.
Finally admitting defeat I tried to nap again, unable to because those keys were somewhere and god dammit they were keeping me from the store that housed the cigarettes I meant to purchase. Quitting be side-fucked, I can't do it in a day and never planned to.
Mr. Morgan returned after 7 hours of golfing glee and I emerged from the bedroom, disheveled, angry, wild eyed with fists clenched and a bit of foam in the corners of my mouth. In the face of a possessed person who faked a smile and asked if he'd seen my keys this retarded man was honest.
Were it me.... I would have said I found them on the sidewalk. He went all Jesus route on me and said "I took them, I didn't think you had anywhere to be."
This is where one of those squints and lean in's with a "what the fuck" open mouth happens to people. We aren't sure we just heard something defining HUH? more in our lives.
I felt held hostage! Took my keys? Did I seem up to trouble? An insurance risk? He had some sort of reason, but remember the froth was still around my lips, coupled with a sudden language barrier that ripped the keys from his hand, hoping that a finger came off for a snack as I went in search of my nicotine.
Here is today's Raffe. Einstein - AKA LemonDrop
He's very troubled. It could be that his brains are too big in proportion to his tiny body and he just doesn't know how to make sense of it.
Don't miss the contest below.... still time.
-DM
I lose things all the time. I tend to think most of us do, but have you ever had a string of missing items that there is either an outbreak of gremlins or really desperate thieves? In the last few days things that belong to the house have not been returned. Most of the items I was ok with, being that when found it would be a nice surprise. Others items were much more dire..... like my FUCKING CAR KEYS! And yes I scream that because of how they came home to me.
They are not magical keys, sure they start a car and that is not without note... but they are somewhat important to me as I'm not much of a walker. I have two keys on my ring, and two keychains, it's very light and not one of those clunkers that make a person look overly important. One is what many people associate with the Nazi movement, but it''s not, and the other is an initial of my name from Disneyland courtesy of our darling Safferstein. Silly chains, but both mean a good deal to me. Mr. Morgan lost the key to our mailbox earlier this week, so I was certain the Key Monkeys were on the prowl. I went seriously tornado and tore the house apart pretty much to a rolling theme like this:
Seriously, house ripped the fuck apart, nothing was free from the freak out. Those bastard Key Monkeys were going to pay! All dogs hid from me. The Russian has taken to eating a portion of his ass with extreme fervor that I threatened a yorkie head cone so seriously he tip-toed the fuck out of my way much like someone who just saw their ex at a party and is trying to flee unseen. Where were the keys? Where could I have left them? I'm so consistent with how I enter a room, I was baffled! Desperate, I dove into our garbage can to make sure they weren't in the mix. Dumpster diving in 95 degree sun is a scent that just can't be appreciated until it's weaving into your nostrils at the pace of a conga line. The problem with losing something so simplistic, is that there are only a few things in my world I am consistent about, my keys are one of them. My crack pipe and other items may go wayward, but not my keys or my identification.
Finally admitting defeat I tried to nap again, unable to because those keys were somewhere and god dammit they were keeping me from the store that housed the cigarettes I meant to purchase. Quitting be side-fucked, I can't do it in a day and never planned to.
Mr. Morgan returned after 7 hours of golfing glee and I emerged from the bedroom, disheveled, angry, wild eyed with fists clenched and a bit of foam in the corners of my mouth. In the face of a possessed person who faked a smile and asked if he'd seen my keys this retarded man was honest.
Were it me.... I would have said I found them on the sidewalk. He went all Jesus route on me and said "I took them, I didn't think you had anywhere to be."
This is where one of those squints and lean in's with a "what the fuck" open mouth happens to people. We aren't sure we just heard something defining HUH? more in our lives.
I felt held hostage! Took my keys? Did I seem up to trouble? An insurance risk? He had some sort of reason, but remember the froth was still around my lips, coupled with a sudden language barrier that ripped the keys from his hand, hoping that a finger came off for a snack as I went in search of my nicotine.
Here is today's Raffe. Einstein - AKA LemonDrop
He's very troubled. It could be that his brains are too big in proportion to his tiny body and he just doesn't know how to make sense of it.
Don't miss the contest below.... still time.
-DM
posted by DMorgan's Zoo at
6:51 PM
2 Comments:
I used to lose my keys with some regularity, and yes, those occasionals streams of loss would pop up. So much so, that I eventually found out w that it means something. But I haven't done it in so long that I've forgotten what it means. And for the meaning, you actually have to lose them, not have them stolen. It was something like feeling a lack of control in your life. maybe you can google it, not that its pertinent since yours were stolen! LMAO
Maybe it means someone is about to fall on my property?
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