Swimfan
StarKist Co.
Dear Starkist,
Please find enclosed a surprising discovery from one of your Chunk Light Tuna in water. I am a fan of tuna, in fact a fan of YOUR tuna. Starkist, there was a bone in my tuna. I’ve taped it below in case there is any question that this miniature sword sharp object almost went down my throat. I was shocked! In all of my tuna eating years I’ve never come close to consuming a bone, I know this because I in fact do chew my food before I make the next move to swallow. As you can see by it’s small size – yet determined sharpness, it was easily overlooked for the first two or so bites, enveloped in the standard mayonnaise creamy fluff and wrapped in bread.
I am aware these things can happen in factory processing and am elated to be in the know about your no dolphin policy, giving me peace of mind that while I almost choked on a bone, it was not the bone of a dolphin. At the same time, not to be picky, but really…. isn’t any unwanted and unanticipated bone too much bone? Maybe less “no dolphin” advertising and just tout that you won’t be serving razor sharp objects hidden in your fish products. I think the consumers would be satisfied with that.
Starkist, I am now afraid of your tuna. It’s possible that I am forever afraid of all tuna. Your bone has spoiled my tuna enjoying feeling of safety in canned fish. I am returning this bone to you, with it’s UPC, feel free to hold it up as an example in your next quality control meeting. I appreciate your mascot Charlie smiling the wide happy grin of having just devoured a delicious tuna sandwich, but am sorry to say my face looked nothing like that upon finding my tuna bone. 
In return for me giving you back your property (given I didn’t really buy that bone…. it came of it’s own accord so I don’t own it), I would like for Starkist to return my tuna money. Four cans worth as the other three have not been touched and may well have no bones, or the rest of the skeleton the first can didn’t. I just can’t bring myself to take that chance. Once you see the enclosed, I’m sure you will agree that you would not want to find that in a sandwich. I trust you will redeem yourself, you’ve been a long trusted since 1961 when as you say “Charlie swam into our hearts.” I think he swam into my meal.
Thank you,
-DM
posted by DMorgan's Zoo at
11:26 AM
4 Comments:
Ooooh my!!! Are you sure that's a bone and not a tooth??? Scary stuff! Thank heavens you didn't choke! ROFL on your letter, you crack me up! They should give you tuna for a year!
I don't know what it is except "not 'posed to be in there" or listed on the ingredients. No warning came on the label that I might actually be fishing and taking my own risks. I do jest somewhat.... but I've sat on this bone for a few months and was finally bored enough today to mail it home. Itty bitty lil t-bone isn't it? Sharp as fuck and very off-putting to the palette. Been a while since I wrote me a letter, I have one in the hopper towards a Gummy Bear Co. soon, and it's not that I can't be pleased.... it's that I really read the wrappers, and expect what I read to be true.
HOLY MOLY!!!! thats not an itty bitty bone!!! thats a honker bone and one that i would be PISSED about if i had found that in my tuna!!! you go!!!! i hope they will give you your money back!!! if not i would def be making some noise over that!!! thank goodness you didnt swallow (i just almost typed out swaller, lol, dang that texas hick talk) that thing!!!!
"...peace of mind that while I almost choked on a bone, it was not the bone of a dolphin."
TEARS!! You make me want to work in the mail room at Starkist.
You should publish your letters like that notes from a nut guy. True awesomeness.
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