One percent chance of a burn my ass.

I tanned and stuff.

Ever wonder how ugly you can get? I found out today. No one bothered to tell me "hey psst... DM, you are looking a little toe fucking up."

No it was all robes, lotions, smiles and lets get you cancered up pronto. I took a 7 minute tanning tour in some german machine, and while I didn't say it.... aren't germans super white? When did they ride the rainbow to tanning machine technology?

Right so after that I was ushered to a spray thing that was even making my neice cry. I was wanting a smoke and the kid showing direct hatred towards the device gave me pause because kids can be all clever like that sometimes. They don't know WHY, but they know the fucking thing is missing either rhyme, reason, or both.

I moved ahead to a spray tan. It wasn't enough to boil my skin, no, we required dye and poison. They make you use a nose plug, which was later found in the hallway by Prada and when asked if mine and I picked it up as though I'd expelled an accidental tampon and shuffled it into a pocket.

Nothing says ugly like this.


I tried.... no dice. Shit up your nose and a hair garb doesn't make for sexy.

Mr. Morgan went next. He looks like he lost a bet by his facial expression.


I left happy enough. Gracious and thankful for the freebie genecide. As the day went on and the itch got worse, I remembered Prada telling me "oh the red is just the blood rising to the surface of your skin" I thought, cool.

Day went on more and I started to think, "blood my ass! I'm on fucking fire! She set me on fire and smiled, they ALL smiled and asked how I liked my torching!"

So this is me tonight. Nothing terribly out of the ordinary, except that I have a color that is named on a box of crayons.

I've been getting memos all night from various portions of my body asking me why, my motives, was there a cash settlement involved? A dare? They want answers.

I should have taken out my belly (whatever... stud, ring?) but I never fuck with it, so it got some special color just for FUN!

While very uncomfortable tonight, I am appreciative to Prads and Mr. Prads, and Wee Prads, thank you for trying to kill us in a kind and humane manor. Top notch hut, this white girl simply can never go tan. But hey ya know, I'll be back begging a freebie in a week or two?

-DM