Denied by Machine

How low does it get when inatimate objects object to your application? Not because of a field entry error, but because it actually thinks you were funny to even try. I had a job bite this morning - and nary a bite because I know a form letter when I see one, hell I used to write them in a more profitable life. But it was at least a reply and I about expelled green tea out of my nose in reading it. The position was for a group home sort of setting, basically be a do gooder. I can do good, honest God, trust me? The reply no shit was this:

Dear Applicant, (SO PERSONAL!!!)

Thank you for applying with Kids First as a Care Provider. In order to become a non-primary care provider, you must be licensed through Washoe County Department of Social Services.

This requires that you:
Provide a copy of your drivers license or picture ID.
Complete a Non-Primary clearance application.
Complete and pass a Law Enforcement records check.
Complete a fingerprint card. There is a $51.25 processing fee plus a $10.00 fee
for rolling your prints.
Provide 7 references, only 2 of whom may be related to you and all must have
known you for at least 3 years.
Current TB test.
First Aid/CPR certification.
Completed 27 hours of training.

All training's will be provided.

The current training schedule is as follows:
Saturday November 1st 8:00am to 12:00 noon.
Saturday November 8th 8:00am to 5:00pm
Saturday November 15th 8:00am to 5:00pm
Saturday November 22nd 8:00am to 5:00pm
All trainings will be held at one of our group homes

Want the clincher? Wait for it......
...
...
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$9.00 per hour. Are they fucking serious? I'd have to train for a month before even qualifying for their generous salary, let alone my out of pocket cash for the printing fees. Should have just addressed it "Dear Rover, we've got a fury of hoops for you to jump through and the reward is going to be dissappointing."

And I can't pass a TB test. That does not mean I have TB, it means that if I'm injected with that tiny needle my arm swells up and indicates I could breathe on a person and kill them instantaneously. I was exposed to it at some point and am akin to the host animal who carries it, but doesn't get sick (maybe I could have a career in lab studies? Lol, a lot of people are carriers). So I have to get a chest xray, and for 9 bones an hour, I'm guessing they aren't going to spring for the extra effort. I can explain this more in depth to anyone nervous to decline a lunch with me, but suffice... I am not contagious.

Remaining hopeful, which has turned more into robotic searching of newspapers, links, calling temp agencies to ... annoy them probably since I hadn't called in 24 hours, I looked at the State website to see a job opening for administrative shit that I am more than qualified to handle. Basically it said, "can you look pretty?" and after sniffing an armpit and leaning back in my chair to view the mirror, said "Probably."

The application process was a pre-screening online. It asked two questions and neither were the shit that should have been asked, like say.... are you a felon or otherwise dangerous? No, it was do you have experience. I checked the shiny box marked YES and hit continue.

I shit you not the next screen told me to beat it, I failed the pre-screen and offended the computer by wasting it's time. Huh??? How does answering anything yes not get you a job short of - do you plead guilty? I'm resigned to things being slow but now a human doesn't even need to insult me, they have computers to do it.

Right, so everyone remember the Exorcism of Emily Rose? I watched it once and while being a horror buff, the scene where she is contorted still fucks with me. For your consideration here is the footage/sound bites from the actual case, not the movie. I am not going to lie and say I heard it through, possession upsets me but maybe I can enlist a demon to take over for a while and beat people to death until someone relents and offers me work.





Thoughts?

- DM