The Original Infestation

A pal asked about the beetle entry, and there is no way to describe why I seemed so freaked out to find one today, other than to read what happened last year. Sadly, my photos were on a different pc. I cannot describe how I entered the room to see the other staff members in a circle with very, upset, faces. When I walked over and saw that single nasty bitch laying there I joined the look of.... nooooo.... it's not, is it? It's like being the only person to survive in a Stephen King movie only to be recast in the sequel.

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The Summer of the Beetle 2005

Our building is fucking infested, seemingly overnight. Remember watching Alfred Hitchcock’s “Birds” and giving a leery eye to every flapper you saw for a few weeks?

In comparison to the shit shaking down in my office, those birds are pussy bitches with legs open waiting to be fucked proper.

I came into work yesterday, one eye open as my ass doesn’t wake the fuck up for a few hours even after I clock in. I meandered to the fridge where I keep my OJ, saw it and screamed.
“ROACH! Fucking roach, get it!”

Our new temp hopped to her feet and came to my rescue. It was all belly up and wiggling so I presumed this stupid fuck was a stray who took a wrong turn in Albuquerque, and ended up thinking “Damn!” ass out in our office chill area.

When went outside to help our lost friend on his merry way, our jaws dropped in slow motion to see about a hundred of his friends screaming “Sup John….. where you been nigga!”

John, and his friends are beetles ranging from one to two inches and they are on the universal track team, these bastards haul some serious ass. I have seen how fast my ass hauls when I see something coming at me, and I have nothing on these bitches. Of course they have like 50 MILLION more legs and shit, but still.

Even after seeing the outside yuck, I was chilly down and went to make coffee. I poured it, smelling it’s strong goodness when in my peripheral vision I saw it…. a millisecond later heard it thunk…. Not one inch from falling into and drinking my fucking coffee for it’s greedy self.

I won’t lie and I say I was all cool. Fuck no! I screamed like I was being murdered and ran so fucking fast I lost a shoe. The girls came running with bats and tire-irons. Ok they didn’t but it wasn’t far off from that. The brave one, Education Lady:

“What?”
Unable to speak….. pointed to the thing.
”Where did that come from?”
shivered…. Pointed to the ceiling.
“From the ceiling?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure?”

I wanted to take the ruler out of her hand, smack her with it…. hard….. then reply but I just bulged eyes and replied.

“Fuck yes the thing fell from the ceiling! It tried to eat me, steal my money and brag to it’s fucking friends. Now will you kill it or what!!”

The stray bug was in no way a fluke. As the day went on, they began to march into our building saying “left…. Left .. right .. left”

I wish I were kidding about this shit. I was waiting for one to fall into Filbert’s bowl that’s how thick these things were coming through the vent.

I called the exterminator, who in every way looks just like an exterminator should, right down to him telling me how he bought a tattoo gun as a kid and had “practice on someone.” He’s right handed, wanna give it a guess where most of them are? He doesn’t even wear a mask when he sprays the shit, just stands there with a funky grin on his face going about his brain damage. I expect to see him on Maximum Exposure someday. Honestly.

By then Bosslady nor Bossladys Daughter had called in to say when they were coming so I phoned up Le Daughter to say we were under serious attack and were all ready to vomit and flee. Bosslady said we could leave… like later and I lost my fucking mind and screamed at Bosslady’s Daughter, who was trying to be neutral.

“You realize they are falling out of the vents above us, and coming in the vents below us?”“Yes.”“This is SO not a work environment I can dig. If Bosslady thinks we are making this up then the next time a two inch bug crawls up her leg see how she FUCKING LIKES IT.”“I know uh….”

I hung up, ready to put my fish in the car and say fuck it to this crawling joint. I was also wearing a dress and no underwear, I felt like I was a walking invitation to a horror movie. I even chewed out the exterminator. While he’s excellent on bugs, he had no clue how to deal with someone losing their fucking mind about them. I may have even compared bosslady to the bugs, I just know I got out of hand and sat in my car for a long time.

He sprayed all day.

“They are eating eachother.”
“What?”
“Well I’ve been spraying and watching them eat the dying ones.”
“Cannibals.”
“Ay-uh”
“That’s gross…”
“Ay-uh”
“Are they dead then?”
“Naw… they are resisting.”
“Dwayne…. I need to have all these things dead. It’s frankly making me as sensitive as a freshly neutered ballsack.”
“Ay-uh.”

Flash to this morning. I was no longer scared of them… I was and am seriously sick of the bitches. If you are driving down the road and see a person circling a building with a fly swatter… wave, it’s me.

I have had it in all but a holster on my hip all day. I am like John fucking Wayne on heroin. I hear a tick tick of legs and slappity! I have killed more shit in the last 7 hours than ever in my life. I’ve even nuts and boiled the ones coming up through the sink until their nasty guts came out. They keep coming though. It’s like whatever Dwayne sprayed them with mutated them into super bugs, as they’ve recently started to fly - they are eating it up like seriods. Fucking fly yo. Yeah.

Ghetto ass locusts, all up in our office, telling their friends to party up no less.

I’ve been swatting them. Bosslady’s daughter occasionally sweeps them into a pile outside. This is the most disgusting thing I have EVER seen.

Word in town is that there are infestations of these fuckers all over. Isn’t there a prophecy about locusts and shit? Bring on Armageddon… just get rid of the bugs.

-DM