Frowning at things.
The medical update I guess.
I'm supposed to start some medication or other when I get around to picking it up. I've been pretty chill about this new disease being a fact and not something to rule out, but the medicine made it very real to me and I have retracted a bit. Think penis in cold water.
This is supposed to be an update, and uh... I don't know what to say. I guess I am mad. I don't feel like shaking a fist to the sky and saying why me, although I have in the past when I was told my body was eating itself. Back then I do remember asking... "body... why? are you hungry? tell me what you crave and I'll get it for you!"
I suppose after the third time you are told you have an autoimmune disease (not 3 times saying you have the same one, three different ones) you just stare back blankly and pay the bill. I won't say I am not frustrated, it's tiresome to be so vain, so very vain, and ignore the fact that you are fucked up and know that it gets no better. When people give me shit about my drinking or smoking, THAT is why they get a serious fuck you look. I dont know guys, I don't know if I am strong enough to handle it all or not.
Mr. Morgan doesn't really know all that's wrong with me. I think it would freak him out if he was presented with statistics (as he likes to crunch numbers bleh), and I try not to bum him out because he works so much and wants a happy home when he gets here.
I do find myself lacking patience, not that I ever had much, but getting seriously rude and short tempered over things, which isn't fair to people who don't know what my brain is worrying about or how shitty I feel. I don't like that. You all are my outlet to not freaking out, to I guess keep on keeping on which is a stupid fucking phrase and I hate it for saying something so god dammed obvious.
I'm not fucking dying, but I'm working on it faster than the rest of ya so I might be annoyed with everyone who is healthy. It's just a reaction to "are you fucking kidding? something ELSE????" I try hard not to show it, and to those I do share with I think I just shrug to, but I hate hate hate to talk about it. Maybe it's like admitting a weakness, one that I can't be in control of and I go inwardly apeshit at the idea of talking about it. It's not for a lack of needing and craving support, I'm stubborn, so I adore those who just cuddle me without words. Lol Bosslady's daughter, maybe now when I wander in for a random "hold me" you might understand more. Same for Moon.
I guess all I can close with is play. Play a lot. Being silly and fucking around is the only thing keeping me sane these days. It cracks me up a bit, as a hypochondriac how resigned I am to my shit, maybe peace is found with that sort of thing. It is pausing to me how long things were just in my head, then became real and I stopped being so scared. Pissed, not scared.
That should be enough for tonight. I will try to give funny entry soon. Ya just get what you get.
-DM
I'm supposed to start some medication or other when I get around to picking it up. I've been pretty chill about this new disease being a fact and not something to rule out, but the medicine made it very real to me and I have retracted a bit. Think penis in cold water.
This is supposed to be an update, and uh... I don't know what to say. I guess I am mad. I don't feel like shaking a fist to the sky and saying why me, although I have in the past when I was told my body was eating itself. Back then I do remember asking... "body... why? are you hungry? tell me what you crave and I'll get it for you!"
I suppose after the third time you are told you have an autoimmune disease (not 3 times saying you have the same one, three different ones) you just stare back blankly and pay the bill. I won't say I am not frustrated, it's tiresome to be so vain, so very vain, and ignore the fact that you are fucked up and know that it gets no better. When people give me shit about my drinking or smoking, THAT is why they get a serious fuck you look. I dont know guys, I don't know if I am strong enough to handle it all or not.
Mr. Morgan doesn't really know all that's wrong with me. I think it would freak him out if he was presented with statistics (as he likes to crunch numbers bleh), and I try not to bum him out because he works so much and wants a happy home when he gets here.
I do find myself lacking patience, not that I ever had much, but getting seriously rude and short tempered over things, which isn't fair to people who don't know what my brain is worrying about or how shitty I feel. I don't like that. You all are my outlet to not freaking out, to I guess keep on keeping on which is a stupid fucking phrase and I hate it for saying something so god dammed obvious.
I'm not fucking dying, but I'm working on it faster than the rest of ya so I might be annoyed with everyone who is healthy. It's just a reaction to "are you fucking kidding? something ELSE????" I try hard not to show it, and to those I do share with I think I just shrug to, but I hate hate hate to talk about it. Maybe it's like admitting a weakness, one that I can't be in control of and I go inwardly apeshit at the idea of talking about it. It's not for a lack of needing and craving support, I'm stubborn, so I adore those who just cuddle me without words. Lol Bosslady's daughter, maybe now when I wander in for a random "hold me" you might understand more. Same for Moon.
I guess all I can close with is play. Play a lot. Being silly and fucking around is the only thing keeping me sane these days. It cracks me up a bit, as a hypochondriac how resigned I am to my shit, maybe peace is found with that sort of thing. It is pausing to me how long things were just in my head, then became real and I stopped being so scared. Pissed, not scared.
That should be enough for tonight. I will try to give funny entry soon. Ya just get what you get.
-DM
posted by DMorgan's Zoo at
8:09 PM
1 Comments:
I'm so sorry you feel so helpless and overwhelmed. I can't say I understand what you're going through, but I can offer some helpful advice if you're interested. Feel free to send me an email if you need some feedback. I feel that this world is much better place with you in it (and I don't even know you in person)! I'm sending a virtual hug in your direction, as well as some very positive thought waves.
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