#3 Melman - the Worry Raffe
We just almost burned the house we don't own. I'm airing it out and blasting some Heart because it was a two person piggy-back fuck up. Why Heart? No good reason, was handy. I left a slice of cooked toast in the toaster oven and Mr. Morgan negleted to see it before cooking his own bounty. The toast.... is done and was actually on fire. I'll be Larry and he can be Moe is sorting it all out. Did you guys know that outside the films Curly was a complete douche? I'm not shocked.
Everyone ready? So here's what is I gone and fucked up on this week. For those of you who I went bee-sting style bothersome on, go ahead and skip ahead to the giraffe of the day. Those who haven't.... oh DO read on. It's classic. Burn your bosses' payroll on me, I'm worth it.
Mr. Morgan and I were sequestered to a graduation arrangement for I believe to be his cousins this last Sunday. It's extended family which is about a mile long but some who I was exceedingly happy to see, as most of them are once a year only at Christmas.
A rumor started that I was knocked up. More interestingly not only was I preggo, I was NOT Mr. Morgan's wife. How am I so forgettable? /baffle I started to greet people with "Hi, nice to see you again, still DM." smoothing my shirt and asking the caught chickens if I looked pregnant. I'm so skinny it was folly.
I rolled in looking proper, as I generally do, least I thought so and my mother in law said I looked nice. Wearing a nice top with jeans, and shoes a bit too large... but not a nice shirt to take a serious headplant in. Shall we just move to that without being surprised that I fell?
Oh .... my readers, I didn't just fall, I think I was close to making news and becoming an obituary. To back step, I was not the only to tumble that day. My lovely mother in law hit the skids carrying a tray of fruit and went face into it, later telling everyone not to eat the grapefruit as that was the location of impact. She's honest like that.
Second fall was some guy with a couple kids in tow and I think he really just lost footing on the gravel and his ass became a familiar friend quite swiftly.
Then me. Sigh. I can't be upstaged or what? Mr. Morgan HAD to be fucking with a bottle of bubbles. His giant sausage fingers could not fish the wand out so he called me over, where I had been sitting nicely with Ounts and Prada. The chairs were closely crowded - again little too big shoes. Also right behind me was our Uncle R who is a narceleptic. I got up, trying to avoid both the chair tangle and Uncle R and BOOM I went down with a sack of bricks attached to my neck. Felt that way. My head hit dead onto a concrete curb. No one even saw it..... they HEARD it. Not a good sign. People scrambled to check my pupils and see if I needed to puke.
All the while my Uncle R didn't skip a single beat, just said "yep, heard that one." Lol, he's fallen a lot.... it'll be funny later and pay back is a bitch.
My mother in law called me the day after to see if I was dead, and to make sure I knew that SHE wasn't dead. We compared fall stories and damn if we aren't at a stalemate. She flew into fruit and had to have rocks surgically removed. I however hit hard enough to give an audible crack of my skull.... which holds in my brains. What's fucked up most.... both of us were completely sober. Just can't take our asses anywhere.
That said, I dont seem to need medical care. People insisted I take aspirin, on account of that actress skier who, lack of words... you guys know. I reminded I smoke and drink and clots were probably not going to happen. I was greeted with ... oh right.
So, everyone seems alive, just.... not able to be allowed out of the fucking house. Here is today's VERY FITTING GIRAFFE.
Meet Melman. From Madagascar.
Not only is Melman a Giraffe, he's a hypochondriac. Color me kindred. He also, as a bonus, yaps.
- DM
Everyone ready? So here's what is I gone and fucked up on this week. For those of you who I went bee-sting style bothersome on, go ahead and skip ahead to the giraffe of the day. Those who haven't.... oh DO read on. It's classic. Burn your bosses' payroll on me, I'm worth it.
Mr. Morgan and I were sequestered to a graduation arrangement for I believe to be his cousins this last Sunday. It's extended family which is about a mile long but some who I was exceedingly happy to see, as most of them are once a year only at Christmas.
A rumor started that I was knocked up. More interestingly not only was I preggo, I was NOT Mr. Morgan's wife. How am I so forgettable? /baffle I started to greet people with "Hi, nice to see you again, still DM." smoothing my shirt and asking the caught chickens if I looked pregnant. I'm so skinny it was folly.
I rolled in looking proper, as I generally do, least I thought so and my mother in law said I looked nice. Wearing a nice top with jeans, and shoes a bit too large... but not a nice shirt to take a serious headplant in. Shall we just move to that without being surprised that I fell?
Oh .... my readers, I didn't just fall, I think I was close to making news and becoming an obituary. To back step, I was not the only to tumble that day. My lovely mother in law hit the skids carrying a tray of fruit and went face into it, later telling everyone not to eat the grapefruit as that was the location of impact. She's honest like that.
Second fall was some guy with a couple kids in tow and I think he really just lost footing on the gravel and his ass became a familiar friend quite swiftly.
Then me. Sigh. I can't be upstaged or what? Mr. Morgan HAD to be fucking with a bottle of bubbles. His giant sausage fingers could not fish the wand out so he called me over, where I had been sitting nicely with Ounts and Prada. The chairs were closely crowded - again little too big shoes. Also right behind me was our Uncle R who is a narceleptic. I got up, trying to avoid both the chair tangle and Uncle R and BOOM I went down with a sack of bricks attached to my neck. Felt that way. My head hit dead onto a concrete curb. No one even saw it..... they HEARD it. Not a good sign. People scrambled to check my pupils and see if I needed to puke.
All the while my Uncle R didn't skip a single beat, just said "yep, heard that one." Lol, he's fallen a lot.... it'll be funny later and pay back is a bitch.
My mother in law called me the day after to see if I was dead, and to make sure I knew that SHE wasn't dead. We compared fall stories and damn if we aren't at a stalemate. She flew into fruit and had to have rocks surgically removed. I however hit hard enough to give an audible crack of my skull.... which holds in my brains. What's fucked up most.... both of us were completely sober. Just can't take our asses anywhere.
That said, I dont seem to need medical care. People insisted I take aspirin, on account of that actress skier who, lack of words... you guys know. I reminded I smoke and drink and clots were probably not going to happen. I was greeted with ... oh right.
So, everyone seems alive, just.... not able to be allowed out of the fucking house. Here is today's VERY FITTING GIRAFFE.
Meet Melman. From Madagascar.
Not only is Melman a Giraffe, he's a hypochondriac. Color me kindred. He also, as a bonus, yaps. - DM
posted by DMorgan's Zoo at
4:20 PM
6 Comments:
I did ask if you wanted to be buried or burned if you died. Then you informed me you wanted a shrine. Learned something new that day. :)
Really? I wasn't kidding to say I have a living will/advance directive.
And lol I did not say shrine, I said Mosoleum. Specifically with enough room for myself and Mister, with a shelf to line up the urns of my dogs with us. Had this in place for a long time. Very optimistic thinking huh?
Natasha Richardson, fyi.
Love your style, Prada. Get the important shit out of the way while she's still breathing, hee hee.
Hope that headache is finally dissipating, Ms M. OUCH.
Yup, just wanted to make sure her wishes would be followed. :)
Melman is the most awesome giraffe. Ever.
My little Lauryn has a Melman giraffe. She is obsessed with giraffes ever since we took her to the Nashville Zoo a couple of years ago. She picked up a stuffed giraffe there and carried it around so much that it's neck is permanently broken. :)
Excellent! These necks are made for breakin' and that's just what they'll do! One of these days those are gonna break all over you! /sing sing.
She sounds like an astute girl!
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