Tienes mucho hambre?

Ever been sitting with a tray of burrito, beans and spanish rice when your dog ,namely the Brown One says: 

"Anything for me?"

"No, no it's all loose food, nothing I can hand you."

And you see the animal looking at you, at the fork, then back at you and it's all really a joke, embarrassing for us both.   She knows how to eat off a fork, she knows that YOU know this foodie bitch has not only mastered fork with efficiency but can work a chop stick to the degree that it should beg an Olympic medal.

Little man?  Hates salsa spice,not interested.

-DM

Master of the Universe

In BEST news ever....the mice issue is not gone.  Not even remotely.  Tonight I hear what I think is Kylee, moving in my studio.  Soon realized it was the sound of a Mickey moving it's rodent ass up the wall and along the cord of my lamp.  

I caught a mouse with my bare hands.

Shit you not, I totally hulked out and captured it with claws ablaze and teeth in a snarl.  Wearing an insane grin of accomplishment, satisfaction, and rage all cupped in front of me, I rushed to Mr. Morgan with my prize in tow, eyes wild with no idea how to express what I'd just just done.

I am a god.

-DM

Dope man, dope man...

It's subject of debate, but I smoke roughly 5 cigarettes a day.  On a weekend.  Three any other day of the week.  Much to the finger pointing skepticism of Mr. Morgan, it's true and I clock into work and chew nicotine the entire day.  Shrug, I don't smoke enough that I even put it on a medical form or to the dentist.  That said, my gum falls off the back of truck, ever so slightly aged.  There is no placebo to nicotine, month expired gum.... six month expired gum is active and awesome.

When my last shipment didn't arrive and a co-worker is bumming gum, and let's be honest... bumming gum is the same as bumming a smoke, I contacted Dope Man, my jowls in a sway of chewing nothing as I wrote last week....

Hi Dope Man, I've oddly not seen this package...can you look into?  Thanks!

-DM


Today:

Hi DM- you should have recieved it today. I just tracked it and it shows delivered.

Have a good night

-Dope Man 

-------

Dope Man,

Indeed sir, arrived today just in time.... I was starting to stare favorably at the tires on my car, irrationally comparing the texture and consistency.  That's a dire lonely place to be my friend.  Lol ok some hyperbole in that but I DO feel I overpaid for those tires, and smokers are opportunists by nature so....there ya go :P

Thanks as always,

- DM

Ps - also of gum laden news.... My mother, 3 packs a day - (no joke, who has time to put down 3 packs short of some crazy coffee/amphetamine addiction and she has neither...).... gave a try at the gum and it parted her from 7k in dental implants.  Plucked 'em like carrots!  I know right!?!?  I didn't have anything to say, packed my gum and snuck out the back door mumbling an apology.  Grief, who knew.

Owls

So the DMV has decided I need to make an appearance to renew my license.  I resent this in the way every driver.../my age.... does.  They demand a pubic display of failing eyesight and or otherwise fucking quota horse and pony show to waste my time and make me sit in a queue.  In a normal situation, if I'm made to wait exponentially - (and I'm not a jerk to think I'm the only person waiting my turn in a retail environment - and the DMV is that, it's just fucking government level version of retail), I mind my own business and bring a book.  In a sea of gadgets, if I am going to be dragged in for a vision test, I am going to 100% look the fucking vintage part.

That said, while I am not one to act out - on an extended delay I can be that person who agitates the tribe of the waiting impatient.  If I so much as hear "Can you believe this?  ONE counter?" I pounce as though holy gates have parted before my eyes.  "I know right!?!?" 

Okay, I'm just thinking that scenario.... I've never once in my life done such a thing, but I've mentally applauded the pain in the ass who does if for no other reason that to upset already agitated line.  I do this from many, many seats away.... verbal crazy is awesome, but not up close or too far from the emergency exit. 




Speaking of glasses - Delilah ate every pair of glasses I brought home.  Wire.  Part goat that one.  I also knew a liver dalmation, Cookie.  Smoker.... stole every pack she could get her lips on - crazy persnickity and high strung, go figure.

-DM