Holla to my BM Girls (and .. mmmmm boys)

BLD reminded me today that the time is upon us. Burning Man has commeth. It's the only holiday I celebrate without ever having gone. I live vicariously through my delicious ladies and they never disappoint.

I hope they don't wreck The Man this year, that wasn't cool. I'm fairly glad I don't participate, not just because of the weather issues, but because I think I have an idea of Burning Man in my head that I don't want to replace with the reality of it. I'm rather fond of my perception. So .... in favor of it being time and wearing a sneaky proud grin, let's us listen to some of this and celebrate.

Tonight Light me up, before I go... If I'm causing no harm, it's shouldn't bother you.... if you don't like my fire.. then don't come around, 'cause I'm gonna burn one down.

Rock Burning Man, rock. Any festival carrying the (literal) torch of personal expression, freedom and otherwise most awesome folks on earth... I approve. Burn baby, burn.





- DM

Swimfan

StarKist Co.
323 North Shore Drive, Suite 600
Pittsburgh, PA 15212

Dear Starkist,

Please find enclosed a surprising discovery from one of your Chunk Light Tuna in water. I am a fan of tuna, in fact a fan of YOUR tuna. Starkist, there was a bone in my tuna. I’ve taped it below in case there is any question that this miniature sword sharp object almost went down my throat. I was shocked! In all of my tuna eating years I’ve never come close to consuming a bone, I know this because I in fact do chew my food before I make the next move to swallow. As you can see by it’s small size – yet determined sharpness, it was easily overlooked for the first two or so bites, enveloped in the standard mayonnaise creamy fluff and wrapped in bread.

I am aware these things can happen in factory processing and am elated to be in the know about your no dolphin policy, giving me peace of mind that while I almost choked on a bone, it was not the bone of a dolphin. At the same time, not to be picky, but really…. isn’t any unwanted and unanticipated bone too much bone? Maybe less “no dolphin” advertising and just tout that you won’t be serving razor sharp objects hidden in your fish products. I think the consumers would be satisfied with that.

Starkist, I am now afraid of your tuna. It’s possible that I am forever afraid of all tuna. Your bone has spoiled my tuna enjoying feeling of safety in canned fish. I am returning this bone to you, with it’s UPC, feel free to hold it up as an example in your next quality control meeting. I appreciate your mascot Charlie smiling the wide happy grin of having just devoured a delicious tuna sandwich, but am sorry to say my face looked nothing like that upon finding my tuna bone.

In return for me giving you back your property (given I didn’t really buy that bone…. it came of it’s own accord so I don’t own it), I would like for Starkist to return my tuna money. Four cans worth as the other three have not been touched and may well have no bones, or the rest of the skeleton the first can didn’t. I just can’t bring myself to take that chance. Once you see the enclosed, I’m sure you will agree that you would not want to find that in a sandwich. I trust you will redeem yourself, you’ve been a long trusted since 1961 when as you say “Charlie swam into our hearts.” I think he swam into my meal.

Thank you,

-DM

Muh muh muh my Metrona!

Mine. All fucking mine. This:

Small lump of foil officially came with a title in the mail today. I own a lump of overpriced nonsense, but it's now MY nonsense legally and I'm ecstatic.

Fuck off, I'm allowed to look dead tired, torn up and downright wrong at this point in the day. Let's us remember that no matter how I try.. and I didn't, the right side of my face is fucked from a childhood eye injury... plus I tend to always look kinda crazed and otherwise pasty weird.

Me so happy.... we finally after all this time have no car notes to pay. Ironic in a sense that the one Mr. Morgan drives was triple the amount of mine and falling apart as my metro just gives it a .... pfffffft, and rolls on in it's simplistic rattling way of getting me from A to B. Friends, I own a car! I'm 31 fucking years old and I just now own a car that wasn't made when Lincoln was in office. Fantastic. Here's to my adored metro... we all know how much in love with le Metro's I am, we understand each other woo make my motor run! I may well now name her Metrona. She's always just been "Metro" as in the replacement from the last, but has loved me just as good as the last had. We have no frills, either of us... we just bang along to the beat.

-DM

What it takes.

Mr. Morgan,

We married each other in what I think was 2003, after a long trial run of what was in store for the other, but we can both be honest in that it was what can be called the "polite" phase of most relationships that mean anything. When you begin a courtship and know you don't care it's fine to let a fart fly at will or make idle complaints that are expected to escort you to a door.

Our polite phase has gone into reality and I don't mind you so much. I am actually intrigued by many of the odd things you do, with consistency. I too am consistently odd, it does not go without notice. You seem to love my eccentricities, and there are plenty, and I am forever amused watching you be amused over the most remote of things, and yet very angry over the same things. In all our differences, we are alike. You look at something and make the biggest stretch of "why" thinking and I smile ... wow I so was just going to say that.

Sometimes you don't like me. That's fine, sometimes I don't like me and even the dogs will chime in that I'm not likeable-worthy. Until a frenchfry is in my hand that is. Being latched to a person for this long and it only gets better right? is never easy. You are loud. Your opera sucks. You nag me like I'm younger than you, and you are not sorry for being so righteous. In turn, I'm chirpy, I don't listen and am never ever sorry for being so righteous. We don't really spend that much time together, we share air in the same fortress but not too much together and that seems intentional from both of us. I wonder if that's normal, or just normal for us.

For our Anniversary, I had no money so made you a Cheeto Puff Love Bug. Complete with pretzel arms and legs.


I hope you didn't eat it. It was toxic and not mean for consumption.

Your dedications are two fold.... this one from me.....



And this one, from you because really babe.... you have it pretty good as far as wives go. Am I a pain in the ass? Absolutely. Am I sorry for it? Not too many. Flip side, have I transformed into a crazy cook out of boredom, and you are often found lost in the hallway wondering how you can function without clothing and I have to point you to the right direction, which in fairness changes often. So from you to me, thanks for the song... in many ways you ARE lucky, more than you fucking know, and I am too. In the last year you have finally loosened uop enough to prance naked in front of me. Did I say finally? Like I didn't know what was under there silly rabbit. I am very happy when when you do the naked man prance, as I am also a known streaker, greeted by you with a belt of "NAKED BIRD!" It gives me great joy to see you loosen up and adapt to some of my things. Find a woman who would play a game of "mep" (muppets) over a phone line and hang up without a single english word. Mep mep mepmepmep. Back and forth for 30 seconds then click.



I love you, and I know you are wild for me and that you do appreciate me. Keep an eye on that fever.... rawr. Hard to find two people who are as keen on what the other is doing without showing it, you check on me all the time to be sweet because you know I have nerves and I check on you because you often look thirsty. Here's to another darling, end of the day... you are mine mine and I adore you for being a nut who loves a fellow nut, we play, I wouldn't trade anything for it.

- DM

Mmm.... clone.

Got to wondering today.

DM WHAT do you want? Well, I answered self .... lots of things. Then I realized that with how I have almost a 24'7 feed of inner dialogue on loop... what I really want is a clone.

Which DM would be the better DM? Would MockDM be cursed to repeat my path physically and mentally or would MockDM prove that my choices are what's ultimately fucked me up and not genetics at all. Having a clone would eliminate the need for inner dialogue as I could simply talk to myself without looking nearly as crazy and intrigued with whatever is going on in my brain that people can't hear. On the other hand, what if MockDM was way better and I felt the wild impulse to become Cain and get jealous. By murdering myself would it be suicide?

These are things drugs addicts and possibly really smart people sit around thinking about. Since I'm neither, I don't know.... but if a clone salesman comes to my door, I'm buyin.

Bringing me honestly to the next annoyance, and I'm aware that I am teetering on a see-saw of irrationality and patience above and beyond what is normal for me..... but, and none of my readers are guilty of this - so this is not aimed at you. I would really like people to but the fuck out of my vagina. Permanently. As in there is no locksmith that can ever reconfigure the lock sort of situation. I know that asking me about kids and shit every... I dunno, two days since I got my first period is fairly normal conversation for people but I can't be polite for much longer about the fact that I'm not having kids. We all know I say they do not fit into our lifestyle or aspirations, and they do not, BUT and here's the big ass polite BUT that these nonthinking mother fuckers don't even take a half second to grasp. You are going to look me dead in the eyes, pretend to know me, and ask such a stupid fucking question as reproduction. Then wonder why I'm staring at you like I saw a mutant mangled zebra, squint, smile with pursed lips and walk away.

So... sticking with the clone/genetics theme...... it occurs to absolutely no one that there is zero chance in the spinning cosmos that I would ever pass on my plethora of genetic fuckedness to a little human and sit on a hope that shit skips a generation? Why would I ever consider putting anyone through the shit I have and I'm only a hair over 30, I can only guess what fun is coming. I'm not taking it personally that no one has once considered that being part of my reasoning, it's no ones' fault that I don't offer up that sort of thing at dinner parties.

Fast forward to 4:40 for the clone portion if you want (the rest is funny too tho), NSFW but very funny, and my case in point.




- DM