But Swimming is Fun

I told you. I totally100 percent fucking told all of you that my complete meltdown of trans-versing the Bay Bridge was valid. That piece of metal taunting shit has been on my radar since 1989 when it did this:


I have not once before nor after ever directed my husband to speed and get me off that thing. In 2007 it hadn't improved it's credentials much, a ship drove into it and made things tricky again.

As of this morning, after an extremely short "fix it" a month or so ago, it's now closed indefinitely? Maybe premature reporting.

All I can say is I knew it! I said that bastard was a deathtrap, short funded and over loaded with traffic and weight just aiming to suck me into the abyss the one time I had to cross it. I'm glad it's shut down. I spit on that bridge with determination that would probably loosen another of it's bolts, as it's so very proven stable.

"The whole Bay Bridge is slated to be replaced in 2013, said Patrick Siegman, a transportation planner at Nelson Nygaard Consulting Associates, a national transportation planning firm based in San Francisco.

The bridge is "really showing its age," he said. "It's kind of a race against time to finish the new bridge before the next quake hits."

Winds increased vibration by the rods that were fatigued and ultimately failed, he said. "It was a contributing factor, but not necessarily the only factor, and we are analyzing what the factors are right now," he said.

The factors are that the god damned thing is done and done! All the whiny bitches who were inconvenienced need to shut it, they are saying cables were not doing their job. CABLES, on a fucking bridge assholes! Can't get to work if you plummet into the bay, so seriously, take your bullshit whaaa whaa whaa the fuck home and be happy it was halted before you died trying to get to a job you hate anyhow.



- DM

Tub Lurker

I'm posting this because I'm not entirely sure what the fuck I am looking at and why anyone would be so persistent about getting IN. Clearly this is not a salvageable situation, and the xray goggles have failed she who attacks the door. Call it a day, excuse the interruption to said tub lurker and go home. "Oh! Occupied? My bad." and be pavement asap.



Of possible interest, my review on Paranormal Activity - mehx3. It's beyond slow, smacks of Blair Witch lameness, and has maybe one brow raising moment - which is in the preview. It's all hype, people saying it's the most disturbing movie ever. Hm, because you paid to see it? A complete an utter stretch for grown adults to say it sent them home afraid. No stars.

- DM

A must read follow up....

We all DO remember the Starkist Tuna fit I've been having no? Found a bone, returned bone. Wrote one of my letters that is funny, but at the same time serious. No response so wrote another letter letting them know I had a case of postage just waitin' to be used. I would not be forgetting that bone.

Alas.... on the eve of an extremely entertaining afternoon (more on that later) came my response. I have been whip cracking the Mister to check the mail daily for months, waiting for their reply about trying to kill me and why as a stranger, I deserved such malice.

It arrived in a pile of people demanding money but it glistened from the pack and I immediately grappled it and took off much like a prisoner with contraband, back bent forward in Igor fashion. Then, as usual DM way I circled it for an hour, wondering what was in it.... picking out the perfect song in which to open the letter. I chose something angry and overly serious just in case I needed help being unsatisfied. The Starkist, had.. come.

What oh what did they want to tell me?

They wanted to be all proper and pay me off. Ding. Here is what the letter says:

Dear Ms. DM.

Thank you for you letter about Starkist Chunk Light Tuna in Water. We're glad you took the time to contact us and appreciate the opportunity to respond.

First, please allow me to apologize (like she personally fed me a bone) for the apparent lack of response to your August 15 letter. I have checked our records and we have not ever received the August 15 letter. (maybe has a good secretary with under the rug skills, I am familiar with them, I'm in the business, it's a necessary thing at times and no boss doesn't always know).

We can understand your concern at finding a bone in Starkist Canned Tuna (really?) and appreciate your bringing this to our attention. (I feel overly appreciated!) While bones are an inherent part of fish, we take great care to remove all the bones. Each fish is individually handled (the love!) and inspected at several points during processing. Quality Control Inspectors continuously monitor the entire process to ensure that the finished product will meet our high standards, as well as those of our customers. As a result, and experience such as yours is not common. (gummy bear de ja vu or what?)

The information you provided will be helpful in our efforts to continuously improve our products and we assure you your report will be brought to the attention of our Quality Assurance Management.

Thanks again for contacting us. Our reputation is built on quality and consumer satisfaction and we apologize for not living up to your expectations in this instance. In an effort (to shut up) restore confidence in our products please accept this refund check.

Signed,

TunaChick... won't name her but it wasn't a stamped signature.

====

Several thoughts. Money! Woo! Ten bucks. Second thought, passive aggressive much to say bummer we didn't live to your expectations. Trust me, my expectations are not high, just no tuna bone.Third thought, jesus... that's one fuck of a letter. When you send me a check, a lengthy run on sentence of sorry is no longer necessary. Just don't ignore or fuck me off, simply acknowledge me and I probably go away. I am extremely entertained at the level of ass kissing from that letter.

Moral, don't extort and claim finger in your chili, but if a bone is actually found in your tuna, they might need to know. Vindicated, can rest.

- DM

Better to just give up the treat.....

I'm going with a half and half of trick and treat! Go dog! Don't miss the below new entry too.



-DM

Maid Service

One of the quickest ways to recognize someone who has never really cleaned something is to send them for cleaning supplies. I sent Mr. Morgan to Walmart for bleach, a mop and a broom. Quite straight forward and detailed. I noted NOT a straw broom, a GOOD mop, and.... bleach. I was not trying to trap him in a riddle.

He comes home with this shit:

Now, those of us who DO clean find this to be a cheap insult. Did he break into the janotor's closet at a local school for this? Where is the wringing bucket? Look at the yuck beneath my stove, does that mop look remotely competent to navigate under there?

Bleach. Is that what the furry pets on the label told it was? Our pets haven't "stained" for a long time. This shit is fucking useless, and it's label looks like it was used and returned.

All this turned into me being ungrateful and that Walmart had only one version of mop, and one version of broom. Really?

Am I supposed to ride that straw piece of shit on Halloween or return it all to Cinderella?

"Fine, I'll show you how to use it since it's so bad."
"Good luck."
"DM EVERYONE uses these."
"Nooooo, everyone uses fucking SWIFFER! Which I specifically asked for!"

I'm not using the shit. The broom is a fine outdoor broom. Indoors it's a joke. The mop .... jesus, I have to wring this thing every ten second and clog the drains? Who knew the fun I was missing out on. So ingrate I may be, but he can add obstinate ingrate to it because those items are lame and prehistoric.

He had to have the last word and mumble that he guessed I wanted a push broom. Good lord man, stop being so nut hurt. Ladies, you know what a normal kitchen broom should resemble, that isn't it.

- DM

Score one for the team!

As mentioned, the Haribro Gold Bears were on my food shit list for being little rocks of joy for my dentist to profit from. I wrote and proclaimed they were OLD bears, not GOLD bears by any stretch of my ability to exercise my imagination. I told them I'd tried to do so, and had tried hard.

The first response was something along the lines of "Stale and hard? That's pretty weird."

I think he used the word "uncommon" which is in my opinion not a far leap from weird, so that is how I read it. The second letter after (see below for synopsis) said it was too hot and they would melt. Awesome! Soften them up! Weeks go by and having just finished bitching at Starkist, they were next to get a letter. Third letters are never going to end with a thank you. No, by letter three I feel like a bill collector who knows they are being dodged and I'm ready to start threatening to own the company and fire every last gummy bear representative. "But, but I have kids to feed!" Then you better fill your bag with those fucked up asshole bear bags on your way out and make them last! All that dictator sort of debauchery.

But they came. And two packs worth just to make extra sure I was going to accept the additional gesture and shut the fuck up. That indeed, has shut me the fuck up. Wasn't hard to vindicate my lame ass unhappiness over their product. Twice what I asked for in ACTUAL product form and not a voucher? Thumbs up Haribo, the equivelent of hush money, but these were hush bears!

Here is the laughable part. These bears were just as fucked.

"I think they are just a more hearty bear." says Mr. Morgan, chewing gumfully.
"Who ever heard of a hearty gummy bear?"
"Well, apparently..... them." /shrugs and digs for a green, his favorite.
"Now I kinda feel like a crotch, I didn't consider that consistency was intentional."
"You are a crotch."
"Then stop eating my guilt bears."
"Can't one would be lonely in my stomach without a companion."/takes off with a whole bag.

Moral my friends..... write your letters, stuff will come. And lol BLD on your comment about the tuna, no shit they probably don't know what the fuck to sort of it, OR there are so many bones being mailed in that there is a backlog.

- DM

Foody Fools

I've had to get serious with these Starkist people. It is nearly impossible to ignore me, and extremely out of the question to even try if I have my mind set on something. Ask anyone, even those who don't know me give me the "it's a gnat!" stare. I simply stink of being a pain in the ass. (click on Swinfan on the right if you missed the original).

Dear Starkist,

Below is a letter I wrote to your company on August 15, 2009. I have received no response so am sending it again. The proof of bone and upc was included in the original letter, but I was keen enough to have photographed it before it’s mailing. I hope to get a response soon, as I am quite persistent and have a good deal of unused postage.

Sincerely,

-DM

I have two other birds to fry, one being a gummy bear company who is lying to me about replacing my fucked up bears, and the other is below with explanation. The bears were not mishapen, that was not my beef, they were hard as rocks and claim to come from Turkey. Well no fucking wonder they were stale. All the same, their package promised me freshness and I am a big fan of getting what I presume is the deal. I wrote, and twice they've written back giving one bullshit after another - the last being that the heat would have them melt and they don't want that to happen lest I be back to bother them again. Well it's the haunting time of year, so guess what? Boo, I'm baaaaack.

This:

pile of exorcism caught in a bowl I can't explain and am almost willing to give it a pass just to have it away and down the sink. That's chicken noodle soup. Really? When? It's fucking GREEN! Reagan projectile vomited and someone swept it into a bowl and canned it just for me. There were no chickens in that soup. Nor a single noodle. Cheated again! Vile. I know I'm picky but what the fuck, bones? stale and tooth breaking candies? green soup????? I don't think I'm being too far fetched here on my expectations. I likely won't write the green soup folks because it was scary enough to make me think they'll hex me, but I'm certainly not buying it again. /cough CAMBELL'S. Yes, I snitch.

- DM

October 2nd.

Ouch.



- DM