The Art of Crapping Poorly

Care to know what I'm sick of? Shit. Not even your run of the standard line of bullshit that comes handcuffed to being a human, I mean shit shit.

I don't have kids and have cleaned up after more bowel movements than imaginable. In my opinion, I get an instant fast past to heaven. No waiting in line, "oh.... I see.... yeah that's fair" and wave my ass right in.

For something like the last 15 years or so I've slung shit and lost myself maybe once, belly wise. Attitude wise - often. This applies to both people and animals.

There is the perpetual "swore was done shitting" then, whatcha know. more. As a tip for service.

Then the random "didn't know I shat" lie

And the blessed "I shat and I don't care, clean it." type of lovely fuck off.


Tonight was the Russian's turn to have his, known issues. To his credit he tried hard to hide it by scooting all over my carpet, not in full awareness that this was a pointed fingerprint of sorts directly leading in his direction. I found him on the bed, shivering in a ball of shame like a guilty criminal without a good lawyer and freaked. ON the bed too? Poopy on bed? get the fuck into sink.

All clean, including the aftercare of my fingernails, but really.... I'm done with poop.

Now bullshit, isn't a far leap. It smells almost as bad but has an intentional insult to season the pile. I had to hit the post office and the usual line of snotty (some literally with colds) were in attendance, pacing as though a dance song was going and some just outwardly being bullshitty. Lying, on purpose. Why? I have no clue. Awesome compilation I was able to hear this morning:

"New terrorist laws to renew the PO Box, I have to prove I have a daughter who lives with me, but she doesn't"

"I was told I didn't have to pay for this, I'm on disability."

My fav......

"I'm late getting in line." THAT wasn't bullshit. A bullshit excuse? Well it made my list.

- DM

Losing never felt so good!

Kudos to Skittles for the best way ever of letting me know that I would not be receiving their $10.000 prize.

Well done Sirs.

- DM

Limpy Smurf

Right fine, so I broke my foot. Kinda. mr. Morgan is screaming "you've got the gout!" in almost a far too gleeful exclamation. He wants my pain to have a proper calling. I was fine with calling it a case of stupid foot.

So it's on us, Halloween. It's been on me for the last 4 months, but you all knew that. This is my first year in the new house so I want to make a delicious impression but really have been unable to grab any theme except Rosemary's Baby, which I think is genius but a good chance it's lost on little kids, shit my own nephew doesn't know what Atari is, what chance do I have on that. He'd say Rosemary's what? When did I get so dated? Plus I'm not trying to explain to a toddler, what happened for Rosemary's baby to.... Be. Something a bit less complicated in idea is appropriate. Not as fun but ok.

All the same, the daily hallow posts are coming. Here is a teaser to get you all in the mood.



- DM