Don't ask don't Buy

I am a sample whore. A happy one. For as much as I'm ripped off elsewhere I will take any freebie I can get my slippery palms on. At times the mail box key gets a bit shakey in my hands thinking something without strings and a balance number would be in that box.

I sent off for the new crest teeth strips. Just a one timer sample and we all know I not only smoke but I adore green tea and very rarely coffee. Both black. Not to offend, we all have our own shit but to me.... if you don't like it natural you'd faint at me naked and not airbrushed. That's kinda the comparison I make there. Ya like it how it lives or don't.

So I get this weird shit and the first thing I'm not seeing is HOW LONG to leave it on. Number is disconected. Good start. Just got better and shown by exhibits:

Exhibit A: I have to wash my hands but I was ok to put this fucking shit inside my mouth????? Ok so I wash my hands but what if I came into a situation where I needed to bite someone? I need answers.

Exhibit B: It cant even touch clothing? Again but totally okay to go in my mouth. Also store it in a cool place.... my mouth is not cool. It's not chill and it is far from crisp. I don't get it.

Anyone else see my potential disturbance.... I say as I walk around with this fucking thing in my mouth hoping to god for a lawsuit because damn if I am not broke. Not sure who I can file with since they seem to already know the product is shit central and cancelled their 800 number, but lol it was an idea. They are probably happy they didn't take my questioney call.

This strip is .. decent. I've used many because of my bad habits, and this is by far the thinest of them all, and without question the most bitchy. It did not want to leave. It wanted to suction itself like drying concrete long enough to eat what is left of my enamel to the pulp then attack the dog. It took a fork to remove it. I will say in contrast to other kits.... no drooling. Look at all the shit you can do!

Use the phone all you want, but no one is answering chump, I said as I whistled.

Also of note since I seem way gross, my feet:

I think my feet are fine. Do I know I have long toe bones? Well duh. I know the second toe is practically the length of a toddlers' index finger, but that doesn't mean I can scale a tree like some shit out of Twilight. Not like I'm going to climb a tree with them, they are groomed, stringy, a little but so am I. I almost painted the nails before this photo, but.... why for? Take a wide sniff of naked DM feets. I only mention this because a former co-worker recoiled from them and said OMG your toes are really overly long. I took a mellow peek. Skinny sure, but freakish? Bit of a stretch - (love me some puns!). Can't even hardly notice bonetoe anymore huh? We had a talk. Veiny bruisey look to the right one is because Mister can't walk and the wound stuck. Years ago. To his credit it was a solid trounce, but not on purpose and yes I howled. Shit I still complain about it, he likes that and all.

-DM

Let's go out!

This likely should be on Kylee's blog, but tonight I am sunburned and don't care where it goes, as long as the damned thing goes. When very white people get the bite from the sun, rationality becomes a fable, a myth of reasoning if you will that is not going to happen until the inner temperature and the outer tempurature can come some sort of negotiation.

My cure for this battle is to be sitting here in a heavy robe, only half of it worn. The top half is not happening and the bottom half is tightly wound about my waist to stave off chills. It could sound lovely, but trust me that this is NOT the way you want to ever meet someone. Hm, well fair enough.... I personally would want to greet a person in that very way because I'd have questions. My answer were I asked is sadly too simple and already mentioned. Skinny, white and allergic to anything out of my house apparently. Then I'd collect my Latter Day Saints pamphlet and pretend to care. No one else really comes by.

Mr. Morgan alerted me at 9am that he was off early and we would be going to the lake to drown the Brown One. Awesome. Why did it take so long to decide to kill it? She needed killing many months ago and a drowning was just like salt on the table to me, an extra embelishment.

Off we went. We are lucky enough to live here:

If you don't live here... that's ok don't come, we are full up but sure is pretty no? This location is about 10 miles from my house and no I don't live in the sticks, it's just THAT damn rockin' Have to peek close, but the Russian is in fact in tow there.

I implore you to click the below photo. Kylee stretched her labbish water legs and had a ball. Literally. That girl should be in baseball!

Or football. Below she stole a neighbor kids football and made quick waste of it. But cmon.... that is some happy ass waste havings! First the guity "having stole!" face.....

Then the "Im' GLAD I took it, fair is fair!" face.

- DM

ps - I had to note so you would scroll up. Look at that line of doors on the left. Why are there so many? I didn't build the joint but directing my rare guests to the loo is like sending them into bladder turmoil to locate it. Milliointh door to your right. I live in a house on unending doors! It's a bit over kill, or over-doored.

Crack me, over hard please.

What happens when it is Easter morning and the dogs are moping because The Mister has left us all to golf? We act out.

In fairness Mr. Morgan was treated to a round of golf that practically made him wet himself in glee. He's stressed, I'm stressed, even the dogs are stressed for lack of a better activity. We were left alone and fuck if we didn't feel like hunting for eggs or otherwise getting into trouble.

So I decided to dress up as an egg and walk around the neighborhood like an idiot. I'm very good at that. Keeps neighbors at bay.

I hate the below photo because really, I'm way cuter than it shows. The lovely drag wrinkle line thingy under my right eye isn't ... well it isn't as prominent in person. I fell into a pit of glass as a kid and the scar has drug it's way that direction. In person, the right side of my face does not look that god damned tired. Nor is my nose crooked and so pointy.


So, the dogs and I grabbed up our supplies - one garbage bag, some markers, a pair of shitty Mister socks, and walmart bags. It was the Russian's idea to make a cracked egg halo.

Mr. Morgan came home and said without a beat:

"You don't look like an egg."
"I know... but sorta egg?"
"Not even close to egg."
"But... I all made this thing from a trash bag man, do you know how reluctant paint will stick to plastic?"
"Just telling you....."
"Cmon, you know you want some of this egg!"


Kylee thinks she helped, so is in all shots. As for my chicken legs.... let's just NOT. I'm a fucking chicken egg, what do you expect? Ever seen a chicken? How they manage on those tiny stems are incredible, think of me like that, and Prada will be the first to say I made it to the top of the Mount Rose Hike before anyone else (I think it's around 36 miles or something round trip on that hike and much of it makes you want a rope to be dragged up, it's advanced level and very steep, although I suspect the men held back somewhat). My little kickers are deceivingly productive.

I do not look like an egg, but was given a solid nod from Mr. Morgan who said "Excellent attempt." It's as eggish as I got for the holiday.

After golf he was amped up to try a recipe he'd heard from a co-hat involving basically mac and cheese and chili. For real? On Easter?

Not that we are religious short of superstitions on my part, but I had planned a nice dish on my Grandmothers china, which I use rarely because he's wreckless. He wanted mac and cheese over a nice steak and potato supper. All the trimmings, etc. I said fine. Which generally as we know in women speak means "what a crotch."

He relentlented later and kissed my ass over the meal, that while quite tasty... I think was complimented more so that I will continue to cook. Bitch about a meal and the stove goes cold. Good Easter, share with me how yours was.

We watched Haunting in Conneticut, bleh. Ok lie, I watched it. Mr. Morgan is one of the most squeamish persons I have ever come across. To his credit, he makes zero excuses for being a pussy, it's just not his thing. The movie reaction, not the other interpretation.

- DM

Turtles Name in Stars!

A bunny has reached stardome. Since every jerk off in the world has a blog or to be completely jerking off - a myspace page, it's not crazy fame but it beats the hell out of viewing even one more photo of Britney, or another cry cry about Chris Brown (ya know, since we were talking about beatings /ahem). This particular jerk off isn't even a jerk off, she just happens to have a knack for yapping, like yours truly and what bird doesnt flock to a similar bird?

Crab Goggles

This gal got a bunny. Enough of a bunny that it went into media show business. I'm impressed by this bunny's aptitude to succeed and would like to think I played a small role in his success and hope to be thanked when he accepts the award we all know he deserves.

Lol, ok.... I acn only make myself laugh for so long and that was the limit. For now. To my Crabby, it's a solid and you deserve it. But for the record.... it's ok to call me "special" even the handicapped are allowed needles and glue under strict supervision. We sneak in contraband from time to time, I have a nifty pack of chex mix that I'm willing to trade for dog collar. Shhh we'll talk later.

- DM