Sleepy Hollow

Yeah so (I love anyone who starts a sentence that way, smacks of Lumberger in Office Space) last friday Mr. Morgan had friends over and the po po arrived, we (the menfolk) presumed that it was getting loud but well within ordinance hours. Laughably, the officer asked if Mr. Morgan's dad was home. Hahahahahahahahaha! Mr. Morgan said he was the owner and what was up. They asked where we were at 7am. I heard that and became interested. Mr. Morgan was off hiking but I was home. The officer asked if we heard anything odd.

"Define odd." I said.
"The sound of an animal."
"Aside from the usual morning barking, no."

This wasn't animal cops either, it was the sheriff so I asked questions. Turns out someone has been cutting the heads off of dogs in the neighborhood. I literally heard the Russian make a break for the closet. How he understood - I don't know, those crazy KGB spies don't speak English unless it pertains to their field or self being I guess. And not just heads but cutting up the bodies like chicken cutlets.

Both my smart ass mother and sister - on two totally unrelated conversations asked me if any asians lived around. Grief. I said if that were the case there would just be MISSING dogs, not cut up ones stupids. Lol.

So Mr. Morgan was walking Kylee after this and found another head. Gross. And a regular at the dog park dog found one too - gets weirder, the man buried it, then called police. Um. Does he just travel with shovel? That's a bit weird.

The owner of that head wanted it dug up for identification. Jesus christ! I'm not saying I don't love Simon and would want closure, but there are certain things you can never "un-see" (think Human Centipede) I'd prefer to think he ran away rather than sear the image of his head sans body into my brain for life.

Maybe coyote, but it seems unlikely don't you think? In any event, told all you bitches it is NEVER too early for halloween! Creepy shit.

- DM

Bubblicious

Dear Mr. Bubble,

My family has been a long time customer of your product, in fact it has been a pink staple in our bathtub for many years, so much that if a store does not carry Mr. Bubble, we will seek it elsewhere before settling for a far inferior brand of bathtime goodness. We know to trust Mr. Bubble and have never felt anything but thrilled after a sub-soaked swim!

I noticed your advertisement for a t-shirt on the back of your bottle one evening, as everyone in the house were donning bubble hats that read:

I would like to implore as such a faithful Mr. Bubble consumer that you send me a t-shirt without the cost, as I've already purchased your product, and often. I would be a walking free billboard for your product, and to be honest Mr. Bubble, Disney and Calgon are ripping into your market and stealing the bubble from under you.

Regards, and I hope to hear from you strive to live up to your sloagan that "Getting clean is almost as fun as getting dirty!"

DM

Well. I waited. I knew I'd get something. I almost always get something, even if it's a cheap voucher. Frankly I like mail. I like writing letters and getting replies. I don't abuse it, I really wanted Mr. Bubble to talk to me. After all, later on the bottle it says crisply not to overuse Mr. Bubble, lest a urinary tract infection could occur. Jesus! That's not a shy disclaimer, it smacks of a threat!

So UPS came to my door, always a welcome person.... usually with tan legs looking like he was fresh off a marathon or a shampoo commercial, glimmering and shit. And I gots me:


/sounds of angels singing.

Free fucking shirt. Goofy, dumb shirt? Absolutely. Will I wear it in public? Without question. I made the people a promise and cmon, who do you know above the age of ten wearing a bubble shirt that doesn't live in .... let's just pick one, hm let's go with Alabama and has her teeth? I'm rocking that shirt and I'm not sorry! Can't be any worse than when I wear my Michael Jackson shirt.

I get looks like I touched a kid just for being in it.

All it cost me was a postage stamp. Small thrills.

- DM