Sooooooon

My tooth is nicer today, but whatever is wrong with my eye (although my hypochondriac message board - and yes, I go to about 5 of them - insist this is common) isn't any better. It's my own fault for looking, all hypos know good and well the basic "don't look just flush" motto, which is true for all of our weird shit. I looked. And I have some white thing under my eyelid. I would truly appreciate a nice rest from every day finding some new nasty thing on me. I will soon start looking like a fucking contagious leper.

Anyway, just the malady of the day. I should change the name of this blog to What the fuck is wrong today?

We hit Walmart this morning for the candy so pumped full of sugar I am certain there will be children beatings. And I grin. I fuck you not ... 50 dollars worth of candy. I'm getting pretty amped for the event. A bit pissed about the eye, I mean it's the only one I have left so ... why? I can't dress as a pimp with a fucked up eye, it would ruin one's reputation to look like one of your ho's went and beat your ass. Plus I can't really hand out candy if I lose BOTH god damned eyes.

Yeah yeah woe is me. Just bored with it all.

So on the way home from walmart Mr. Morgan went digging in his side compartment and clutched something, with a big grin on his face.

"Whatcha got there?"
"Firecracker."

I frowned.

"What for?"
"To firecrack."
"ok.... can I just..... why do you have that in your side compartment?"
"Someone gave it to me."
"Is that common?"
"Yep. People give me stuff like this all the time."
/blink.
"Ok well.... "

As he lit it and threw it out the window, not close enough to hurt, but close enough to scare a walking dog enough that I saw it jump far enough into the air that it's leash surged back like a reverse bungy cord.

See why we are well matched?

-DM

I am a stick of cardboard. All rolled up

You fine people will be elated to know I picked up my pencils. My hands have been terribly stiff with the change to winter and I admit I have glared at my drafting board.

She's not much yet, but will be and it's just a teaser of that whole portrait. Shitty photo... but for all things odd, my camera refuses to take actuarate pics of my art. It is important to me to draw because short of being a skater as kid (which I WAS very proud of) drawing is really the only thing I think I can do. I can bullshit, but when was that ever a talent? Drawing gives me a lot of joy and I do enjoy the stunned faces of people when they walk into my studio. I stare and smile in a way only those who have seen it could recognise, it's a very condescending smile that says "That's right." and a nod taking time to wonder why people frequently presume I am not capable of all this shit tacked to my wall.

So it's nice to holding pencils again.

Anyhow, just wanted to share that I am drawing again, however painful, it seems to melt away once I get into a piece. I think I even told the dog it was okay to spend the night down the street. Just whatever, leave me alone I'm busy here. Lol. Appreciation to those who support me through all this shit.

-DM

ps - secret, for fun, I draw most of these things upside down. Lefthanders can't go dragging shit. Hm. maybe I already shared that bit. Still though.....

Beware the Watchtower!

I'm off today because it's the state observed Nevada Day. Ya.... ok... sure whatever, I'll take it. Below a couple of photos of the latest hat that isn't "quite" in my collection, YET. I was playing the Marlboro Man.

Makes you want to take up smoking doesn't it! Anyway, so I went outside to collect some pencils and blend sticks from my car when the Watchtower people caught me.

Big mistake. I know they have good intentions on turning me into a funding station for their church, but I will always (if caught outside like I was, I don't open the door at home or answer my phone) chat them up to a ridiculous extent. Not to mock, in serious curiousity even though I have zero plans of leaving the completely moral and legit community of Catholosism. /cough.

What is a Watchtower I asked? I explained that it smacked of being watched far too hard by god and that I frankly need him to look the other way at least a few hours each day. Could they guarantee he would? They, lol of course stammered.

"So when will the false religion end?" I asked - see above photo.
"Well... uh soon."
"I think I should wait until it's all finalized. No sense in investing on something not confirmed up."
"Uh... "
Me, interuppting - "And your bobber here asks what a false religion is. How can I know you aren't false and just saying you aren't so that no one thinks being a Watchtower isn't? What if you are the falsertons and lying. You came to MY door after all, so I'd think you were prepared."

They wandered off mumbling to eachother after asking I consider the pamplet, which I said I would, and did. You can't just go around peddling without anticipating people like myself. I sorta shrugged and walked away from the door, my questions unanswered and just blinking a lot. My ex husband used to be offended at church peddlers, I think just let em give their speech, doesn't hurt anything. I am very aware that my bodily presence in the big picture isn't to save my soul, but rather to fund something or another, so when you look at it that way you can ask things like any other interview for someone who potentially will get your cash. What can you do for ME? Oh heaven? Shit no chance anyhow, but thanks, thought you'd have a better offer.

-DM

I'll always win

The new fight with Jeffs the begin.

Kids will not shut the fuck up. Rabbit however is perfect. One kid felt like romping on a whistle for a good 30 minutes when my head split open, and I screamed I will see your bullshit whistle and raise you this! Top blast, which I happen to enjoy but know most people do not.



Absolutely no sense in trying to out-noise me, it will never happen. Cops will come, shit get all un-neighborly. I blasted the fuck out of the above then screamed out the window "Wanna blow on that whistle some more?" I did edit out the words I wanted to use. Whistle blower seems to be done for the night.

Don't think being a bully makes me proud, I just don't mind calling the bluff. I too am a fucking child, and a terribly clever one in immense pain, and I have a car, and like ... money and shit, they have nothing but that whistle. That mix makes for a lot of being intolerant.

I still do not know what is up with this tooth, I called and told them people advised me there should be no root.... thus no pain. She stammered and basically asked if she didn't give me strong enough shit. I advised it was enough to take down a T-rex, but not really how I go about living..... being conscious is sorta nice and it lends to me keeping a paycheck. Bosslady was actually very cool about it as I frowned and sulked, gripping my toothbrush and drooling in her office and staring at her with eyes begging to be shot.

I'll live plus... it's Holy Day and fuck if my holiday isn't damn near on top of me. Weee......

-DM

Day After

I am a wreck! I woke up got dressed and thought I would be going to work. This was not happening. I checked the bottle of what I thought was merely "super advil" to read more deeply and find it's mega-advil-tranquilizer. This shit is not your mother's motrin.

It's not the sort of being fucked up that would find you at your office pointing and laughing at the boss, insisting she is a penguin sort of thing. Truly a very unpleasant state of drumming your fingers over the 911 speed dial. People seriously ASK for this shit? I am stunned.

I'm hoping that pill explains why I still at 5pm the day after taking the it am dizzy, nausiated and totally feeling out of it. I think the tooth is still infected or something because I have mad chills and it hurts horribly. I haven't really eaten in a few days, so that certainly doesn't help much but I'd be a fine little anorexic if my head would just feel normal. In honesty, I really wouldn't trust myself to drive. I know that I am hyper-sensitive to medicine but how long should I feel looped over one pill? Mr. Morgan may bury me alive, or whatever state of breathing I am in, very soon as I am convinced something is terribly wrong with me because I feel like I cannot wake up. Looped. Out of it. And cold.

Pray I feel better friends, DM is not happy at all.

-DM

All fucked up... can you dig it?

I'm home. They root canaled me! That is some lengthy, jaw tiring shit. I spent five whole minutes brushing my tongue for this visit and I told everyone in that office.

"I brushed my tongue. For you. Just for you. I bet you see some creepy tongues don't cha?"

I like my dentist a lot so that helps, and he shot enough numbing juice into my face to paralize an elphant. Of course this is BEFORE he tells me people can overdose on it. Uh.... have we not established that there are things you never ever ever tell DM?

I walked in, totally bold and ready to board Team Toothwork, then got to smelling that dental office smell. The one that smacks of airbourne shaven teeth. I was called in from outside where I was ferosiously smoking the most nervous cigarette of my life and plopped down in the chair... my hand instinctively upset that it was more than an inch from my camera and we got to business.

Dentist's always do this ... they send in the greeter, who is like the Vanna White of all things teeth then turn on you and bring in a totally inept hygenist to drown and kill you. My greeter was beyond lovely, expressed how much she loved her job and promised not to mock my teeth, after of course I asked if she'd planned on doing it. I am well aware how fucked they are, I don't need yet another stranger to confirm it. She was adament that I was a perfect butterfly. I beamed then remembered I was about to have my mouth sawed open.

So while left alone... I got ansy, looky and went for the camera hoping not to look like a spy for some TV plot special on dentistry.

Look at that shit. It's a cave of I hate you tools. Miniature carpertenter's drill bits.

That is the fucked tooth. Why it resembles a foot, I cannot say. I did ask and was told that many people think their xray look like a toe or a foot. Insteresting.

Doctor came in and we discussed how fucked the tooth in question was, and the options.

"Do you want to keep it?"
"Well.... um... yeah and I am very hungry."
"Root canal is best."
"I bet you have a lot of hungry patients don't you."
He laughed. "Actually yes."
"I thought as much."

Naturally, even though we discussed it couldn't be cheap, the bill for (not joking) $2,632 came AFTER the work. I am worried they will repossess my mouth. I figured they meant for the whole mouth, nope just one fucking tooth. Just One. Again.... one.

One.

The new bullshit hygenist drowned me twice, to the point I had to wave my hand and spit water across the room like a fucking fountain, saying I needed to breathe and that a water versus air competition in my throat wasn't good. He agreed and slapped her. Ok he didn't but he gave the secret gesture for - no, don't kill her, at least not today. I totally saw it.

And you know what else? That little drape they put on you to make you think it's all about being hygenically safe? Bullshit. It is a slab for which the dentist slops his tools on your rack. Nod, you know I'm right. We are simply a mobile tool caddy.

So I go back 4 more times at which time my car becomes lessor value than my tooth.

Just... wrong

Holy shit.... you will never find a fucker rushing into the dental chair faster than me tomorrow morning. I am, and have been in agony for weeks. I've heard the fucking thing even being so bold as to mock me.

"I own you."
"Fuck you."
"Say what you want... but I own you."
"Gee that's pretty fucking bold from a bitch ass tooth."
"Say that again..."
"Bitch.... Ass... Tooth!"

As a lightening bolt of pain shoots from my mouth to my fucking toes.

"Ok you win. What do you want?"
"Hostess."
"No. No hostess."
"Do you uh want to play again?"
"Fine fucking hostess, jesus."

I have nothing more than this tooth. Teeth have a power to enslave you and make an instant bitch about of Hulk Hogan even. They won't relent and leave you always wondering if they'll get super pissed and infected, sending the signal to the brain to shut this whole mother fucker down. I know my brain... it would get the message and ask "Why?"

"Just because."
/shrug "Alright."

And boom no more DM. So I go tomorrow morning and hopefully there will be a conclusion because I will grip those arm rests with the strength of Atlas before I leave without some sort of pain relief. And we know I don't take pills so I better hear a machine giddying up. Adding to the fun is some sort of eye goob, a stye ... I don't know but it hurts badly and I look like a Hollywood prostitute wandering about with a red eye socket and oozing teeth. Fucking lovely. Wish me luck guys.

-DM

Caught the Rabbit!

Yeah, ya know I don't really understand why I do this shit either. Nosey... bored... both, who knows.

So there I was sitting in my studio, sick with a cold and whining my ass off about it and I heard it. I screamed RABBIT! and got to running while Mr. Morgan shook his head and said "Yeah it's really smart to go outside with wet hair and a cold, and stop spying on the neighbors!"

Undaunted I carried forward, the trusty camera perched on the counter corner in case the Rabbit emerged.

Well so, that's the Rabbit. It is a jumpy little sort isn't it? I laughed pretty hard at how skittish is was. But, well, that's a rabbit for ya.

What brand of dog that is ... well I don't know. I may ask eventually. If anyone knows please pipe in. I find the Rabbit very handsome and not much of a threat since it ran from my Hello. It is clearly a house rabbit, as I camped the fucker all gd weekend to no avail, and much to the pickery of my stunning husband. Plus anything startled by Simon... shit pul-ease!

Mr. Morgan is still annoyed I was peeking on the new people and asked if I would like people taking pictures of my yard and the goings-on within. I thought.... for about two seconds and said "Fuck yeah I'd like it and hope they'd send me the link!" I wanna know what my little brats are up to, because by the amount of shit I didn't buy that is in my yard..... I know mischeif is going on. Happy Sunday.

-DM

Wabbit Huntin'

First off... wtf with this font? Ok so.

I've new neighbors as I may have mentioned, or not mentioned I don't really know. Jeff packed the Asshole tribe up and beat feet out of Suburbia Lane and in came new people, who I have not seen. So what does any crazy bitch neighbor do? Crawls with a camera handy and peeks through the fence. Sadly yes, that is my deplorable backyard. The dogs made paths through it years ago..... you can see why.




I'd heard the animal, and knew it was a small sort of bean, but was hoping to capture it on tape. And have no doubt.... I will. I saw it, and it's a handsome fellow with a nervous looking face and that is all I will say.

Keep on checking... I'll get the beast on film. And lol, yes picture my nutty ass half over a fence, splinters on the inner thighs with a very caught look on my face should someone come out and catch me tryign to get the shot. Hey man, always a risk to journalism. (cough)

Happy friday, and much love and shout out to Duck and Rayn's Grammabean who could use some kind thoughts, pause for a second you selfish bitches, she's worth it. Thanks.

Until I can trap the ellusive little fucker, signing off.

-DM

ps - why do I have non stop flies? In October? Is this the Amityville-fucking-Horror? Creeping me out.

If you need it THAT bad, take it

Mr. Morgan calls this morning to tell me someone has broken into his car AGAIN!

“Did they break the windows this time too?”
“No, they bent off my antennae and used it to get in.” he says all too calmly.

The last break in they took his whole stereo system and I found his old factory issued one in the trunk and installed it for him as a surprise. Don’t think for a second that it looked good at all as I couldn’t remove his entire dash so just taped it in place hoping the crackheads would think it was ghetto. But it did work and give him something to listen to during his daily commute.

“Did they take the radio?”
“Nope”
“What did they take?”


"They took... the...dildo."
"The double headed black one?"
"Yep."
"Ew... why?"
"Don't know, but it's gone."
"How do you know that ONE item is gone....." (wondering if he had gone looking for it or what)
"It's just gone."
"Crackheads man..... gross."

The above photo is what was stolen except it was black and I fuck you not that thing weighed easilly 5 pounds. Mr. Morgan purchased the double dong for a gag xmas gift at his company party and it just took residence in his car every since. Once I get into my home pc I'll update if I find the photos of them all with it, it was quite the affair.

It wasn't used ... my god that even scares ME, other than I seem to recall a few men being slapped in the face with it. The women just gathered around it with looks of terror on their faces.
From the face slappings and what nots, the thing was covered in lint and breaking in many places. Who steals something like that? I am laughing pretty hard over it, as Mr. Morgan was very calm about the whole thing. I suppose this is just another normal event for the Morgans and I wouldn't mind telling the next person to ask me how I am "Well..... frankly the dildo was stolen, and yourself?"

-DM

ps - Update, his bowling ball was stolen too. Is there a high price on the black market for dildos and used bowling balls? He's pissed over the bowling ball, it had his special shoes and the whole thing. I really don't like people.

Echo....

So the power company cut us off yesterday. I don't know why, maybe some asshole employee was having a bad day and picked the lottery to get address.

We came home and circled the house with baffled faces, flipping switches, poking the computers with sticks and saying .... but but but whhhhhhy???? We did this for far longer than any other rational person would have.

Then we fought.

"You didn't bring in the bill!"
"I totally did!"
"Where is it then?"
"On the counter."
"You skirted the turn off notice!!"
Me... offended as fuck ... "I did NOT!"
"What are you smashed already?"
More offended..... "Uh no.... there was no power, so I took a nap"
"You were slurring your words"
"I wasn't fucking awake yet asshole."
"So where's the shut off notice"
"They didn't give us one duh... this is what I'm trying to tell you."
"Liar!"
"Cock!"

We trecked to Walmart for enough batteries to launch a fucking nuclear weapon and an alarm clock since everything we own is dependent upon the asshole fucks who have the control to shut down our lives.

Mr. Morgan came to me with one of those alarm clocks with the hammer in the middle that beats the shit out of itself between two bells and I ... well I just said, uh no. He scowled and we found a better clock that he didn't like because it took battery installation..... that were included in the box. I said I'd put the batteries in if he would stop frowning so deeply at the clock isle.

We then procured flashlights, althought I wanted a lantern (no idea why.. just wanted one) and kept up with the bickering bullshit the whole way until I was damn certain I would walk home. With clenched teeth, a chasing Mr. Morgan tells me to knock it off and we were going to suck this shit up. I was still pissed that he had said on entering the Walmart "I wish I'd never come home." What the fuck is that to say? Me too then man, beat the hell out, find someplace warm, but he apologized for that later. Like my ass was going to a nice warm hotel, we were in it together so that was a total bullshit line to whip on me.

I called the electricy gods this morning, who think I am not acceptable since my name isn't on the account. As Bosslady's Daughter said.... whata stupid fucking thing, like I am trying to pay some strangers bill. They hate me and I hate them and I am gonna write a letter!

Getting dressed by flashlight is not easy. By 3am I woke up and found both dogs in the bed, nestling respectively between both human's ass cheeks for warmth. If I wasn't so cold myself I'd have farted on one of them just because I was pissed to be in the dark and cold.

So that's all I have to offer today. Oh .. except Chris Rock's mom need to shut the fuck up. Sorry you had to wait for your meal, I highly doubt it was because of your color. They even offered your meal free but that wasn't enough, you need to put your meal cause to Al Sharpton because you are annoyed the waitress wasn't publically scolded. Managers have a bit more tact than that, don't bitch about things you know nothing about, things happen in private that isn't falunted for your personal happiness to see someone berated. /shakes head deeply Are you seriously that fucking stupid? (apparently).

-DM

So I heard about a haunted house here in town, and I thought that I needed in my very soul to go. Mr. Morgan was agreeable enough although it's very not his thing.

In line behind me was some kid in full Matrix wear.... and when I say kid I say that because while his body was there in adult size... his mind was not. Apparently he swallowed the wrong colored pill. But we talked for a while about why he'd picked that costume and why it was creeping me out. He understood and said in his own crazy way that me talking to him at length about something he wore just for a halloween walk was creeping HIM out. Fair is fair, I nodded and we decided we didn't want to be friends.

The House iteself was fucking BEYOND! As we went in the grim reaper assured us the actors wouldn't touch people. I thought holy shit... fucking fabulous! But do you have a heart condition they asked. I mean... honesty has always fucking failed me, and going into "what is your definition of condition" with an 18 year old seemed stupid so I just shook my head and promised to come out alive. Took a long time to get going though and the poor grim reapers had to keep telling people to chill out because the actors were having jitters as this was only the second day being open.

It was pretty gory and voilent in there, but I think those lights did something to my brain as I woke up at 3am feeling like I was coming off a coccaine bender. No other way to describe it than that. How one wakes up feeling sleep deprived freaked me out and I went into an hour long panic attack of checking my pulse and nudging Mr. Morgan that a trip to the hospital might happen but I had no explanation for why I was feeling that way. At one point I was absolutely positive I was having a heart attack and wondered if that is how it feels when you are going to die.

Christ almighty sometimes I am really retarded.

I seem ok now, but have been left alone while Mr. Morgan went to his Dad'shouse to watch football. Being left alone after a panic attack .... ugh..... I've got the phone on a hip holster for just in case.

Fart Bagged

I found a stray couple of fart bags left over from last years' Shitty Santa and well, nothing says I still haven't forgotten that disgusting meal you fed me like fart bagging you out of the blue. I made the camo clothes.... but sorta sucked at it so just wrote MY CAMO on the fucking thing.

I had prepared for this assault even down to the purple goggles. Props to my girl Moon for the photography. Enjoy. And feel free to laugh that anytime I'm pulled I instantly go to the ground. I will MAKE a fucker drag me, I can revert to being a two year old with fluent ease.

And if your friends don't dance, well they're no friends of mine! Bravo to the good sports in my life who don't kill me for my antics, love you and .... until the next asshole thing I pull.

What came after the video was Bosslady's Daughter tossing the wasted fart bag at me, to which dripped into my mouth. Mouth yo, gross. I instantly was on the phone to poison control but thought... what do I say? "Um hi.... so like yeah, ok I ate a fart bag?" All of the characters on the back panel of the package were not a language I speak and one of them showed birds in a pool. I guess this means bathing birds want no fart, I don't fucking know.

-DM

Return of Zelda.

Zelders. Oh she's is a Princess. You know I have loved this rat a long... long fucking time. She was much smaller the last time she was crawling on me, but a kindred is a kindred fat or skinny.

To those seeing the above photo and thinking "Holy FUCK Dm, you said you were growing shit but WOW!" that sixth finger is the thumb from my other hand. Yes, I actually had to check for myself because I tend to churn new things faster than anything fertilizer can provide.

Little video (thank you Bosslady's Daughter) of me and the Zelder Beast. I would steal you and pay the random in advance if I thought I could get away with it. Until next that we meet love....



-DM

ps - I'n other news I am laying dawn my pencil for a little bit. All that comes out when I pick up that pencil lately are very unhappy, even miserable sorts. I may share some of these in time. Not right now

Thriller Night!

Being it's ... my time of year I watch one scary movie a day and take pride in relishing everything spooky.

I got to dancing to Thriller, and Mr. Morgan said... No dancing.

I said "Bullshit... it's like... Thriller man!!!!" And he jut stared at me. I did a couple moves for him, thinking he might not understand because WHO doesn't love and know the dance to Thriller? Mr. Morgan does not. He repeated "No dancing." Well I danced!

I remember someone laughing at me for knowing the entire dance to the Love is a Battlefield ending, and laugh on because yes I also can still do Thriller! Come on people back me up.... we weren't the video game age generation, we actually owned records! We didn't have something digital to numb our minds back then, and Thriller rocked! So enjoy, as read below too been posting a lot today.



-DM

Just a day....

It's really fucking cold in this house. My nipples lay in a state of constant misery for the last 5 hours. I did turn up the furnace but I thought it was a little early in the year to kick off the War of the Heater. Mr. Morgan reads what the thermostat says. That fucking thing is a known liar. It's in the hallway, so while it may be 71 at that specific spot - and taking the heat the dryer produces, I swear on my life it's easilly 65 in my studio and anywhere else in the house. But he likes numbers and taps on the thermostat like it's his best friend who could never be wrong just to show me that my body temperature is simply not in compliance.

We may go bowling later today, I don't know... I went pretty bratty last night, and woke up with the eyelids to prove I'd cried a great deal, so not sure emerging me into public veiwing is any good.

I've twice this morning wandered to the freezer...... where is the location of 99 percent of our food...... and became elated only to find it was just the box of said product, and all the contents were gone. Nothing like spying a snack just to be laughed at by an empty carton. Did it prompt me to throw out the empty boxes? Nope. Let Mr. Morgan be dissapointed too. So I am cold and hungry. And bratty?

Side note - sorry Prada love, but no I'm not calling the Birthday Girl. One earns birthday wishes. If I'm an asshole I'll know it by the lack of wishes when my birthday ....weeks, come along and I can dig that. I appreciate your threat of her making us/me feel guilty, but that's what mace guards off. I have decided to stop even remotely kissing her ass, birthday or not because she intentionally starts fights between Mr. Morgan and I for the sake that I am not "nice ENOUGH" to her. No one gets to have that power over my marriage, I resent her for it, and she's lucky I have utmost respect for Mr. Morgan and his father, because things would be very different and she would be so beyond put in her place. I know Prada, that you can mirror my sentiment. When I think of Birthday Girl, I see a person who props illness to such a degree begging for attention that is classifiable as mentally sick. My birthday card would simply read - "stop being so selfish. there are people worse off than you, be fucking happy for once and think abotu someone who isn't you". I frequently have to remind myself to do that, but the difference is I beg no pity for all my fucked-up-ness, I wallow in a good degree of frustration. Christ my own husband doesn't even know the extent of what's fucking wrong with me, yet I'd wager strangers and customers at her job have her full medical history. That's the big fucking difference, and dude.... I'm the fucking hypochondriac, something is wrong with that equation. And I am still annoyed she asked me to get her marijuana. I wasn't aware I was a drug dealer, or on a close enough level of friendship to remotely presume I would or could do that.

A cartoon for anyone I didn't send to... because after the rant, all I can think of is the gerbil .... "read the fucking sign, on strike, I'm not fucking DOING IT!" And I'm not! Happy birthday, want your frame back? http://www.joecartoon.com/pages/joemomma_anim

Hope you all are having a great weekend, it's nice and overcast here today..... spots of sun but definitely a sign winter is coming.

-DM

For Duckie... Shower Antics/Crazies

This is a vintage entry but my Frank couldn't come up with anything worthwhile for me to post about other than.....

How many jeffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many?
Who cares.

Lol thanks Duck. /solid nod. Below is some old shit... but he seemed to need a laugh, maybe you all do too. Here are two different entries from some time ago.

---

I was in the shower, and we have one of those nice showers in the master bedroom that isn’t a tub. It’s the roomiest stand up or sit down shower I’ve ever seen. I tend to sit and turn the water to a degree that would boil an egg and pretend I’m some rainforest princess under a warm waterfall. I swear I do. Except I’m a more modern princess because I have dove soap and shampoo and shit. Keeps the brain young to daydream.

So I sit there rolling my head and shaking hair as if I’m Zena and what not, when I hear a scratch on the “waterfall rocks” that totally busts up my fun.

Fucking Simon. Twitching and whining, though trying very hard to do both as quietly as possible.

Ok fine.

The jungle waterfall now is inhabited by a small curious monkey. I don’t get very often to indulge in 30 minute showers and play time so I was not to be daunted.

I pulled the jungle canopy open a bit so the monkey might feel some of the warm steam. The fucking monkey jumps into the waterfall.

I jumped to my feet screaming “Wet rat in the tub! Mr. Morgan get it get it get it!” while the monkey-dog gazed up at me, getting more puny looking by the second with the waterfall dousing his fur.

I had no clue SimonMonkey’s wanted to do this! Being a water princess determined to enjoy my afternoon shower….. ok fine again.

The water monkey appeared to be a bit surprised at his boldness, and chose to frolic in the southern portion of the pool. For fun and to see if I could make it jump, I shot shampoo at him. He hopped in a happy way, licked it then gagged for ten minutes, all but blowing bubbles out it’s monkey nose.

The jungle was filling with steam and joyous play. I splashed the monkey, the monkey turned defiant, lifted a leg and pissed in the pool.

Game. Over.

“Mr. Morgan come get this fucking bitch before I drown it!”

Enter Mr. Morgan.

“What’s going on?”
“Everything was fine, we were playing jungle and shit and he just pissed!”

Hilarious laughter from walking in to see his wife and dog both looking offended with shampoo mohawks and shocked wide eyed faces, yes both of us, and exit Mr. Morgan exploding in laughter.

The jungle canopy opens and a wet satisfied monkey gets kicked out, never to be invited back.
So much for my adult fantasies.

-DM

-----

Speaking of crazies, I had one roll into my office yesterday around quitting time. I was at my desk and heard a suspicious clunk from a piece of shit car. The car I heard seemingly coughed and died right in the middle of the street, setting into motion the driver freaking out. He sat in there pounding the steering wheel furiously, and all I was thinking is “Please don’t come in here.”

Like magic his head turned the direction of my building and sure as shit he got out to come in here. Claims Lady was at my desk, saw him coming and split like a chicken neck. Bitch!
He came inside, crazed and almost to the point of speaking in tongues.

“Blehoudofudohuh!”
“I’m sorry?”
“difoufd!!!!!” frantic flaps of arms and wild eyes.
“Uh…”
“Phone!”

My first thought was to tell him to get the fuck out here, we have no drugs. My smarter brain reminded me that it’s not wise to further agitate a crazy.

“Phone, yeah sure…. It’s not long distance is it?”

Damn my smarter brain for failing me on that. The man could Jet Li style hop over my desk and slit my throat and I’m asking if it’s long distance?

“I mean, fuck man call China if you want to.” As I slid the phone to him.

He starts frisking himself almost violently, then grabs his hair with both hands and screams “FUUUUUUCK!!! Fuck Fuck!!”

I retreated promptly. He babbled that the number was in his car and that he would retrieve it and come back.

“The welfare, I have to call the welfare office for us. We need to call.”

I wasn’t sure who WE was, but it mimicked a Gollum conversation. He dug around in the back of his car for five minutes, presumably for a gun to shoot the smart ass bitch who’d sassed him, but returned only with a slice of paper. By then I was all but blocking the entrance to my side of the building, and pointed him to a phone on the other side. Go be crazy somewhere else buddy.

No such luck as he came right back over to me. I visibly did the body language of Damn!

“Can you like help me push it out of the street?”

Gee let me think. Grime up my work clothes for a nutty stranger hopped up on something or decline. Also consider that he asked a 100 pound person to move a thousand pound ball of dead metal. Right.

“No, we are all ladies here… we couldn’t uh..”
“FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!” when he screamed that, I mean he REALLY was screaming it.

“What am I gonna do, what to do, do do.”

I just sat there staring at him, for once in my life at a loss for words. I make the mistake of being a bitch to potentially dangerous strangers too often, I wasn’t going to do this now.

The last time I did I had been outside when a man in a turban rolled up in an unmarked van asking where the post office was. Yeah. That is the best time to smile and be as un-American as possible right? Not me.

“It’s… I don’t know…. That way.” I said and pointed.
“Do you know the road?”
“No, it’s just… look man turn around hang a right, go two stop lights and left. Cant miss the fucking thing ok?”

He looked at me like I was the biggest cunt in the world. That’s when the full scope of the situation hit me.

So.

If car dude wanted to lose his mind, that was fine with me. Some other things shook down but I didn’t hang around to see anymore. As I drove off I saw him walking towards me, and although I thought I was slick in locking my door and slamming it into reverse, I am quite certain he saw that little maneuver.

-DM

What can ya do...

Back to tooth drama. Forever with the mouth drama. God? I know I talk too much, and I know I talk a good deal of shit about you but can we find some sort of comprimise that leaves my teeth out of it? Wait no.... you are quite literal, something that leave my teeth IN it?"

I got to chewing on some delicious cheese puffs last night, and had one of those moments where time goes matrix on ya and you realize shit is not right. My slow motion was like a cow chewing cud in circular movements of the jowls as the face turned to a frown and the brain said - bitch you are chewing your own broken off tooth.

I think in honesty a severely ancient filling came loose but sure as shit there I went happilly chomping. And yet I insist I am intelligent. I have an appointment scheduled for a few weeks out, the best I could get, and the schedule maker was quite happy to hear I was in pain. I almost asked if she was married to the dentist and would it be her children's college fund I was affording. "Erica, if I cry would you get me in sooner?" and her lips smacked audibly with the sound of her checkbook being thumbed through in the background. She promised she'd do all she could and I believe her because she was pretty disinterested in talking to me until I reminded her Mr. Morgan goes there and has Care-Credit which is insta-money for dentists.

It's rather interesting to me because I treat everyone at my job like an asshole regardless of money, because they are generally assholes. I could care less who they are or which of their kid's are limping and need an operation... I really just need to move on with my day. This is probably why god is taking my teeth.

So sigh.... that's today for me. Oh I did get the goodies from my wife's garage sale. I sent Bosslady's Daughter with two bucks and said get me all the shit you can get me! She came back with an ashtray. A rather cool one but not some I will use. Something I will instead stare at. At length. Being a greedy whore I saw a Boggle game also in the back of the truck and begged it promptly, to find out that I hate it. It merely being around is making me feel possessed with anger and the ghost of some long dead smart person who would actually enjoy making words out of wooden dice. No shortage of things to insult my intelligence today.

-DM

Boot out already

Fucking finally.

Next door Jeff's house is for rent. Shock. I was a bit more loud than I meant to be but.... go, pack your shit,your fucking kids and gd TAKE THOSE ASSHOLES. I will personally send an xmas gift if it would hurry you the fuck up.

Bye.

Seriously. Take your mean fucking pit bull dogs and army of kids and bounce the fuck out of living next door to me. I even made a WHOLE video just for your ass.

Jeff I will not miss you. Not to say I'm not ansy over what will move in next, but with you moving I am currently down one little fucker who is sneaking into my backyard and down two pit bulls who should never have been remotely close to my yard. You never liked me Jeff and I never liked you. Glad you made it a whole year after getting married in your backyard to a bitch with 6 kids before you lost your fucking mind. Sorry Jeff but duh. Enjoy the video... the midwest is sweet, give it a go. Sound needed....





-DM

Monster Mash

October 1st!!!! This is my punkin' from last year. One of them anyway. Since it's that time of year, the dogs asked to try out their costumes. Begged me in fact as you can see on their eager faces.

Dark Diva Delilah was coveting Edmond's Hat, so he let her borrow it for the photo shoot.

Satan Simon is wearing a one of a kind devil's costume that I crocheted for him.

As teenagers tend to do, their true feelings about their parents are told.

Do I get bored?

Know why?

Because I'm a pimp bitches and you little fuckers are my hos' for as long as I feed and shelter you. You will wear anything ridiculous I choose and you will like it. This is your only job, it's not very difficult.

Lol, poor creatures.

-DM